a manipulation of time and distance

the car doesn't work again. last night I ditched class for chinese food and bonghits. I don't think asian people like me.

I have watched tv almost everyday for a week and it makes me read a little bit faster when I think about the impending reward of television. I saw a commercial with some sweet little shitbag kid in it and I'm so glad cos it totally reminded me of all the reasons I pray to god I'm barren and lately with all the halloween crap everywhere and I'm too old to trick or treat I was actually thinking maybe I should have some.

tapeworms mad cos I told him we used to feed the bird teriyaki chicken. I know its fucked but I was 11 and it was damn funny then. even my mom did it.

a gov't assisted post by britt

had to file for unemployment today, works been a little slow, which means my bosses are jackoffs. when they dont get a job, it means i dont get a job. its a good thing I'm a good poker player, cos I make myself comfortable. for all of you who know what its like trying to get money from unemployment, I feel your pain. its like trying to pull teeth from a pissed off elephant, but there isnt enough sedative in the world to make me happy. a few more days on the couch, and I should gain about 30 more pounds. if you feel my pain, then you must be cool, and if you dont, go fuck yourself.

fuck blogging

I havent gotten stoned in TWO FUCKING DAYS. I can't sleep, I'm not hungry :O and my brain feels like its trying to outgrow my skull.


tapeworm and I walked past a cat eating a huge pile of puke in the parking lot of QFC. it was possibly the best/worst thing I've ever seen. I was totally about to yakk at first but then I decided not to cos maybe he was eating the puke in an attempt to get other people to puke so that he could have even more puke to eat. its a twisted cycle and it had to be stopped.

this morning I slammed my right boob in the bathroom door. tapeworm heard the screams and came running in and when I told him what happened he looked at me like I had just won the special olympics. I wasn't even (that) drunk.

I kinda fucked off all week and now I have a shitastic assload of assignments to catch up on so I'm going on a brief hiatus to focus on the gayety that is school. in an effort to make it appear less like abandoning the internet, I've coerced talked butt rock britt into doing some substitute blogging in my absence.

and what the hell does it mean when someone says "like a fart in a windstorm"??

another shitty night

a guest post by britt

tonight I asked myself, as a supervisor for a demolition company why is it that I have to employ the dumbest drunkest most fucked up individuals that this wretched city has to offer?

once in a while I get a good one but for the most part its like buying a box of rancid apples. you tell them to do something over and over the second you turn your back on them its like you never said anything in the fucking first place.

I don't know how much longer I can take it before I pick up the largest crowbar in my tool room and beat everyone of those fuckers within and inch of their lives.
this is me. this is my life. this is my job.

ps. go fuck yourself

"mama, I smoked the TV"

its just come to my attention that I have NO FUCKING CLUE whats going on in the world. like at all dude.
oprah is killing me. she keeps sending me these goddamn cliffhanger emails and the only way to find out what it all means is to actually turn on the tv.
you can't even go to her website to find out about yesterdays shit. is it just me or is that totally fucked?

aparently there was some important shit being said in the midst of all that thigh rubbing cos I botched my pop quiz tonight. feh. economics is for boys.

when someone not limited to but including tickles tapeworm gets on the phone I HAVE to keep talking and asking questions the whole time to try and solve the who are you talking to and why mystery and even when they try to cover their ear I just get louder and more demanding. I am so fucking annoying its almost unbelievable.

beware.. the enemy is lurking

danielle picked me some cotton! from a cotton field. it doesn't grow on trees it comes from bushes. but everyone knows that already because otherwise it wouldn't make sense for the living to be easy when the cotton is high.


I've never seen a cotton field or a cotton bush or anything and I keep expecting some weird little alabama cotton bug to come crawling out of it.

I kinda expect bugs to come crawling out of everything really.

I picked some little yellow flowers out of my neighbors yard once and some of the petals started crawling up my arm and the whole bush came alive with tiny yellow spiders that looked just like the flowers and I went totally spastic.

I want some goddamn happy hour fish and chips but the only way I can make it to happy hour anymore is if I show up to class drunk. and though it sounds somewhat more appealing than going to class sober, its still a really bad idea.

**********************

someone from my parents village was on my blog tonight. theres only like 12 of you fuckin townies and I'm prepared to kill you all if I get any grief over this fucking blog so think twice before you go nosing around in my business fuckers.
you too mom.

I was gonna try and hide from tapeworm tonight under the bed but he walked in and caught me crawling under there all super stealthily and he said, "carrie, what are you doing?" and I was like, "uh..hiding".


class was cancelled so I went to get the ticklet worn out of the library so we could leave and the desk wench looked all dotingly at us and said, "awww...you got to come to school with daddy today, huh?"

last night I dreamt I was living with my parents in a house with no furniture and they kept trying to invite my friends over to feed them chunks of broken glass and I was like, "DUDE could you guys like not kill my friends anymore?"

my economics professor sits on his desk and rubs the insides of his thighs as he talks about I have no clue what cos I'm too concerned with the thigh rubbing.


in case you've been trying to decide what to get me for my birthday on november 3...

<--- I want #5


and if you really love me, you'll get it signed ;)

"chickens are fo' wankers"

my mom got me some nads and I tried to "wax" my pubes off with it and I ripped the cloth off the wrong way and it immediately bruised up and drops of blood were forming around the follicles but no hair came off. so of course I tried it again.

I've been braising things which pretty much eliminates the need to chew and thats fine with me cos its one less thing, y'know. I totally freaked and thought I missed thanksgiving today cos I guess I've been reading canadian blogs and I totally didn't know they had their own thanksgiving.
like a true american, I sometimes forget theres other countries besides the united states.

I saw a cartoon with 30 foot penis monsters flying around raping 13 year old girls. what the fuck is wrong with the japanese?

like porn without the chicks

my commercial art teacher used to brag about having flunked jimi hendrix. I was like half finished with my portfolio and I had to transfer out of his class cos he grabbed my boob.

2 penny jenny showed up to the maha and tapeworm and britt were like "you are soo rude. she came over here just to talk to you and you totally ignored her" and I was like, DUDE. I said hello. what the fuck am I supposed to start flipping cartwheels and grinding my barstool over it?
I need to find new bars where they keep the walls in the same place every night cos I took a quick turn to use the restroom but now theres a wall where the hallway used to go and I walked straight into it like a fuckin rockstar.

I only had 3 drinks and britt made us leave cos someone played him and raetard's song (bon jovi) and he got all somber and vaginal over it. ugh. see why I call him butt rock? I didn't even get any daal.

tapeworm got super drunk and hes trying to stick peanuts in my ears. its chaos.

go fuck yourself

as promised; a post by britt

so I woke up this morning again it sucked as usual I started out my shitty day at 430 this morning. it was cold I hate the world I almost had to fire someone for the utter overwhelming waft of alcohol he was permeating and I get harrassed repeatedly by tapeworm about my dope use even tho I havent done dope since I was 23 years old so like 4 years. his girlfriend is making me dictate the stupid ass blog cos I hate computers and I hate the stupid computer that I have and for anyone who responds to me go ahead and call me at 1-800 kiss my ass. there. was that a good blog?

the best fart boy

I don't really know what its like to drive but I'm pretty sure its not something I need to try. I threw my sandwich at somebodys car on the freeway today. tapeworm got REEAAAALLY FUCKING PISSED about it. nobody died and he didn't get any tickets so I don't see what the fuss is over.

plus I found out I'm having a midterm exam on my birthday.

my mom wants me to go to some intervention thing for my uncle where the whole family gets together to tell him hes drunk. like he doesn't already know, huh? sounds like an ass load of fun but I'm not really in a position to point the finger.

butt rock britts coming over tomorrow and I'm gonna try to get him to make a guest post.

PO white trash

vajohnna keeps chicken bones in his dresser drawers. and hes got the bumpies. jacque came to his house with me one night and I passed out on the couch and she was about to go home but she wanted to borrow evil dead 2 so she popped her head in his room to ask if she could take it and caught him jerking off.

his first girlfriend was a lesbian named rhian. she wasn't a lesbian at first tho. he kinda got the stigma from that I think. and people calling him dirty john doesn't really help him out much with the ladies either.

he used to attempt to pick up chicks by bragging that he won the bonghit championships on a local public access show and his brother was a pro skater.

he keeps his dog on the roof. a few years ago he flipped out on mushrooms and ended up naked in an alley behind a bank and his mom had to pick him up from the hospital on her birthday.

I used to work with his brothers girlfriend who said he was in love with me and talked about me all the time. he brought me chocolates and started coming by while he knew tapeworm would be at work.

he said he was gonna show me how to play guitar but I think he was just drunk and trying to score. tapeworm was like "why you trying to hit on my bitch?" and he got super offended. he was supposed to drive us around on my 21st birthday and he bitched out. didn't even call.

john told me a long time ago guys don't call girls to hang out. for some reason I hadn't applied that to he and I until then.