Wednesday, December 28, 2005

analumination

my best friend taya brought some ear candles back from michigan. yer supposed to put them in your ears and light them and they suck out all the ear junk.

this dude jeff wanted to try them out so me and taya brought the shit to his house. then we thought it would be funny to take some table/dinner candles and tell jeff they were butt candles and we had him get down on his hands and knees in his room and we stuck one up his ass and lit it and damn near pissed ourselves laughing at him.

someone has been ouside my window with a jackhammer for like 7 hours tearing the street apart and the only thing more annoying than that is how I keep getting super ravenous and making a whole bunch of food and then having to throw it all out cos I'm all nauseous and extra not hungry as soon as its done. goddamnit.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PIGFUCKER!!!


its danielle's birthday. you should go wish her a happy 27th cos she fuckin rocks!

Saturday, December 24, 2005

"I kick ass for the Lord!"

we waited until sunday to go to tonys and from before we could even get out of the car dude was already being a total sleazebag. plus there were about 3 trees left that were all 9ft tall so we went to target and got a fake one and now all the hippies are congratulating me on boycotting the slaughter of innocent trees.

I still havent decorated it or anything but whatever.

last night tapeworm and I went to dinner with my parents and his mom and I ended up starting a huge fight in the middle of the restaurant.

about half way through our meal some dude who looked like he spent more time on his hair than I did sat down like 2 tables away with his back facing us and repeatedly turned his entire body around in his seat to glare at my mom (who had made a comment about dentures. true, not something I consider appropriate "dinner conversation" either, but I also don't find eavesdropping and staring very polite). so I flashed him the warning look but he decided to press his luck.

several minutes later his (I'm assuming) girlfriend showed up and before long she joined in and the two of them were making no attempts at discretion. their conversation became louder. other people at my table had begun to notice them and I'd had enough so I looked over at them and I said "do you have something you want to say to me?" and she tried to get smart so I called her a raggedy ass cunt (hehehh) and that totally set her boyfriend off.

he got up and started coming toward our table so I stood up and I was back farthest to the wall trying to climb over tapeworm yelling "come outside then motherfucker!" and my dad was trying to push me back into my seat and the guy was like I'm not gonna fight you and I was like "then what the fuck are you standing up for?"

dude tried to get up in tapeworms face and tapeworm told him to sit down and eat his food. and thats exactly what he did.

I never actually got to hit anyone but it wasn't for lack of trying damnit. I figgered everyone was gonna be mad at me after we left but they still left me presents and my mom even thanked me for the dinner theatre :D

Saturday, December 17, 2005

those cocksuckers still havent posted my grades and I'm about to get pissy

I just found out I've been spelling my name wrong for like 20 years. tapeworm has no tact at all when I need to point out something hilarious like a transvestite or a lactating woman and instead of paying attention he starts yelling "what did you say?" so that everyone is trying to hear me now and I'm like "are you doing this on purpose or are you just lame?"

he says tactless is talking shit about people right in front of them.

heh. touché.

we spent about 4 hours cleaning a third of the apartment today and there was no shame like finding french fries under the computer table. seriously there were like SIX MOTHERFUCKING FRIES down there! fuck I'm dirty.


this is my new list of things I want.
http://www.thethingsiwant.com/blogfart/list/stuff%2520I%2520want/

just in case you want to get me the unicorn impaler (NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED IT) or perhaps a bacon airfreshener (also kinda needing that).

Sunday, December 11, 2005

oppressive convulsive

I checked the mail today like 4 times before I remembered its sunday and is probably not coming. tapeworm and I totally hate each other now. I have to write a few pages on an article I can't find so we got in a huge fight cos hes a larp douche.

here is an example of how I am of sub-par intelligence:

*anonymous* told me I should pee on my tits and I was like how the fuck? what with a hose or something? and he was like OR you could stand on your head and let it run down and I was like WHOA. that had totally not occurred to me dude.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

homogeneously narcissistic

all the balconies on the whole building have christmas lights and garland everywhere and we've still got halloween decorations out.

its not just the blog;
I'm falling short all over.

I fell asleep in class tonight during the first 10 mins of an hour long video on construction and I woke up cos my stomach felt like it was about to rupture and I thought I had blown ass but I wasn't sure if it was me or part of the video.

my ugly friend nikki and I were on the same bus with shannon kringen and I was like HEY! the first time I ever watched your show I was flipping thru channels with my mom and you were pulling out your tampon!

maybe I overestimated her celebrity cos I thought she was way modest for being such a tv slut.

she gave me a pen and I left it at tapeworms house and he melted it stirring a bowl.
damnit.

Friday, December 02, 2005

candida ted fuck that shit

Congratulations, Carrie! You have been nominated for Best Comedic Blogsite award for the month of November at The Order of Brilliant Bloggers.

This is a grassroots organization of excellent bloggers who wish to acknowledge the excellence in blogging and photojournalism by others.

Voting for the award takes places from December 1st to December 5th at 11:59:59 PM in the comments for each section, and we encourage your readers to come and vote for you and any other blogs and posts they wish to recognize. Limit is 3 votes per category, one vote per post or site.

Thank you for you excellent work in enriching blogging, and for your indulgence in my tardy posting of your nomination!

Good luck!

dont bother to vote here



Thursday, December 01, 2005

exceptional my ass

I've tried to date a girl once twice but quickly realized I wasn't very gay cos I freaked out everytime she tried to kiss me.


apparently my little cousin doesn't share my affliction.
yep. thats her with her gut hanging out of her shirt(?).
dude I don't even think this was halloween.

she posted this on myspace and I'm thinking of making a christmas card of it cos my grandparents have lived long enough.

shes always sending out bulletins like "if anyones in love with me then hit reply" or "message me if you wanna know why I was upset after lunch today".

I totally got robbed for my soda by a retard one time cos they came out of the sped portables and I was smoking outside of the gym and one of those mongo sonsa bitches yelled "MMM..POP!" and rushed up, grabbed my shit and started chugging it and they made him give it back and I was like "what the fuck?! I don't want it back!"

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