babys first pic @ 10.5 weeks

i am completely exhausted and all ive done so far today is poop and have oatmeal. its still really weird to think theres someone living inside of me. those once cute little movements are turning into painful jabs. and im seriously getting the anxiety knowing ive got less than 8 weeks until i get to squeeze a whole person from my vagina and probably poop myself trying in front of a whole room full of people. i think the worst part is the whole room full of people. i know its really up to me whether or not i want the audience and i kinda really dont, but my parents are planning to come here for the birth and jasons mom talks about being there for the delivery like theres no question about it, i guess i would kinda feel bad to tell them i dont want anyone to watch.
even tho i really dont want to have to go thru surgery i secretly hope to have a c section sometimes just so i can get out of having a bunch of people staring at my vagina for a few hours. and also not having to sit on a donut when i get home. tho im sure having your gut split open feels just as nice. do you see why im panicked?? no matter how this goes down im pretty much fucked really. i keep telling myself it cant be that bad or no one would have any siblings.

welcome to my sobblog

yesterday i walked 6mi for a cheeseburger. its pretty amazing that there are people out there depraved enough to try an pick up on pregnant chicks. wearing no makeup and yesterdays clothes. seriously you have got to be kidding.
my mom is practically begging me to come back to seattle. i really think i want to, but i feel stuck here. jason didnt get to spend time bonding with his first daughter after her birth and i dont want to take that experience away from him again, but i dont know if that is really a good reason for me to stay because i feel that i will eventually end up leaving and perhaps its better for that to happen sooner than later. i never wanted it to come to this but ive lost all hope that things will get any better. he is completely satisfied to go on making zero sacrifices and doesn't hesitate to choose dishonesty over conflict. if there is one thing i truly hate its a liar, especially one whos not smart enough to come clean when they've been caught.