Wednesday, April 11, 2007

sadly lacking pictorial evidence

this was posted in a myspace blog of a girl i knew from highschool. her shit is private so i cant link it so im reposting it here cos its extra funny. names have been changed so she cant get all pissy that i publically posted her private shit. heh.

Earlier today, my husband, daughter & I went to Auburn for a hair appointment. My husband took the opportunity to go around to the thrift stores out there to get his hands on some goodies to sell on ebay. On the way there, we marveled at how great the car looked. Jeff & Amy both worked very hard yesterday to wash & detail the entire car so it looked & smelled great!

Our hair appointment went well. We were both very happy with our hair & left feeling pleased but hungry. On the way home, we drove through Federal Way & went to Red Lobster. We all really enjoyed our meals… Amy & I both had the Salmon New Orleans with shrimp & a lemon butter sauce with veggies, mashed potatoes, a Caesar salad & biscuits. Jeff got the New York steak & prawns with a baked potato, veggies, a Caesar salad & biscuits. We all left feeling extremely content with our tummy's full to almost bursting.

This is where things started to go wrong….

We got on the freeway to drive home, when I got a bloody nose! (I have weak membranes in my nose & have always suffered from nose bleeds.) Not a big deal, right??? WRONG!! This one was BAD!!! I was bleeding so profusely from my left nostril that it couldn't come out fast enough so it was gushing down my throat! (Leave it to me to have worn my brand new white top today!!) Anyway, I was frantically searching the car for something to soak up the blood & ended up grabbing a tampon from my purse. I shoved it up my left nostril & thought "Okay, that's over with!!" WRONG AGAIN!! The blood started gushing from my other nostril!!

At that point, I was gagging because of the blood clotting in my throat so I grabbed an empty water bottle & started to spit the blood from my throat into it. I was doing alright until I started to throw up! Which I tried desperately to get into the small opening of the bottle without much success. My poor husband got one whiff of the half digested Salmon New Orleans & spewed into his hand!! Amy started laughing hysterically in the backseat!! Jeff started to laugh & sprayed puke everywhere which triggered the next reaction… Amy started to throw up & Jeff rolled her window down (since he has a control for it on his door) & she hung her head out & puked all down the side of our car!!

So, here we are doing about 70 mph on the freeway, projectile vomiting all over the freshly detailed car, laughing hysterically with me bleeding profusely all over myself & a tampon hanging from my nose! Sounds like something out of a bad movie, right?? What else could go wrong??? I PEED MY FRIGGIN' PANTS!! Yes! I admit it! I was laughing so hard & puking at the same time that I lost control of my bladder & whizzed! It wasn't a lot though! I pulled myself together almost immediately.

So, we pulled off the next exit & drove to a nearby church parking lot. THANK YOU, JESUS! We got out of the car & Jeff threw up again & Amy started gagging again when she got a look at the Salmon colored vomit with chunks of lettuce covering my entire body. She gagged so hard that she too lost control of her bladder & peed her pants! She screamed & started laughing & then announced that she peed her pants, which I responded "I did too!!" Then we all busted up laughing even harder.

Jeff walked over to the church & found a hose which we drove over to & started to try to clean the vomit & blood from my face, hands & clothes. Just then, the frickin' pastor walks out of the church & looks at us!! OMG! How embarrassing! We looked absolutely ridiculous! Here I am with blood all over my face & shirt, vomit all over the front of me, holding a dripping bottle of vomit & blood!! My husband started to explain what was going on & we all burst out laughing again! He was very friendly & went inside & got us some paper towels & chatted with us for awhile. We thanked him & cleaned up as best as we could under the circumstances. We hosed off the car on the side that Amy puked on. Wiped up the inside of the car, finished washing up & then got back in to complete our journey home.

My nose was still bleeding but had slowed considerably by that point. So, there we were, feeling the humility that only puking on yourself (& peeing our pants in Amy & my case) can bring. Still chuckling about what we must've looked like to other drivers when all of a sudden Amy announces that she's HUNGRY!! Lol :D Poor kid was left feeling hungry after having lost her whole lunch! We laughed hysterically all the way home!

Blogger dan thinks I am a total genius.

I wouldn't even share that with friends.

Really. I'm about to toss cookies now.

Then again, they did eat at Red Lobster, and that's like begging for it.

Thursday, April 12, 2007 12:59:00 PM  
Blogger raymi lauren thinks I am a total genius.

that is fucking amazing thank god for that kid laughing and setting everyone off. i had to re-read the paragraph where the shit begins to go down thrice over i couldn't figure it out cos of the tears in my eyes from laughing.

Monday, April 16, 2007 3:09:00 PM  
Anonymous Willie Murderface thinks I am a total genius.

see, i totally should have left you for her :P

Monday, April 16, 2007 7:19:00 PM  
Blogger carrie thinks I am a total genius.

lol yeah and you totally would have if ude have thot you had a chance :p

Monday, April 16, 2007 9:01:00 PM  
Anonymous willie murderface thinks I am a total genius.

speak not of fidelity :P

Monday, April 16, 2007 9:06:00 PM  

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