Friday, February 26, 2010

i lactate 80 proof

ni-hao, internet its me carrie. i almost forgot i used to have a blog what with my busy schedule of non-stop nickjr and pop tarts. tho i did manage to get knocked up again in my absence. i totally just busted out some twins last month. identical boys that i cant tell apart. tandem breastfeeding makes me feel like a farm animal. i cant possibly understand the reason for having 2 kids that are exactly the same thinking of selling one maybe. i have become a plethora of fertility. my next litter will probably net me a tlc show.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

my uncle died like a month ago and my mom inherited his kid and his house and his business and does she share her wealth? pshhh. all i need is cable and she does not provide. im not greedy; i do not require a multitude of superfluous channels. in fact my humble request consists of broadcast stations only. just a little nbc is that too much to ask? not its not. but alas, i must suffer through antenna tv. i miss every third word of the days of our lives cos that bitch will not donate toward my need for a reliable signal. whore. of selfishness.

Monday, March 31, 2008

baby face

this pic is 2 1/2 weeks ago when she was already something over 6 lbs.

i cant poop my belly button hurts i have stabbing vagina pains. fyi.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

i dreamt i was at the fair an i found one of those chocolate covered strawberry vendors and for $7 they were gonna give me 5 dark and 5 white chocolate covered strawberries but instead i ended up with 10 chocolate covered skewered hotdogs but this was not at all disappointing (??) cos i dint even realize thats not what i had wanted until after waking but anyhow i was eating my hotdogs and they were melting all over my face and getting extra messy and i woke myself up trying to lick my own face clean which turned out to be completely covered in drool, not melted chocolate.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

welcome to my mommy blog :O

yep you read it right. if you thot my blog sucked ass before just wait until i start cooing about the fruits of my uterine cakes er whatever. i'll be honest with you, so far pregnancy is completely fucked. and just seven more months to go!!! im exhausted all the time and when im not sleeping i feel sick and have intense desire for pie and grease. i have awesome dreams tho. also im somewhat panicked about the whole birthing idea. but i guess its gotta come out somehow and im bound to wind up with a gaping souvenir of my stupidity. damnit.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

my boobs hurt

and i hate my fucking job. extra. i have nothing else going at the moment but i am seriously considering letting tomorrow be my last day cos its that fucking miserable. ferreals yo. for obvs reasons i am not trying to identify my place of employment but i will say that i have to dress like a goddamn retard and work upwards of 12 hour shifts on a regular basis. and by regular basis i mean 6 days per week. and no they dont pay well either. you're probably wondering why i would've agreed to such a job in the first place and honestly i dont have a good answer for you cos i am asking myself that very question. clearly i am stupid. all i can blame is my new found sobriety. i never made such dumb choices when i got high. in fact when i was high all the time i managed to avoid working completely for at least 2 years. definitely a much smarter carrie on weed. i dunno if i can live here much longer cos i cant get a decent job within a reasonable distance. in seattle i could get away without driving; nothing was more than an hour away by bus. here, all the good jobs are a minimum two hour bus ride away which is not gonna work out. not even close.

Friday, July 27, 2007

i totally peed for nothing

more training.. ugh yesterday was gayness. it might be too early to say for sure, but i dont think im feeling this job really. mostly, its the outfit. its indescribably lame and not comfortable. sort of a deal breaker y'know. this will be day 2 of wearing it and already im getting pretty pissy over it. i may be looking for something else again really soon. im actually somewhat looking forward to seeing my mom next month. last night i dreamt i was in seattle getting high. and it was a lot of fun damnit. i mail ordered a coupla things this week but im cheap and i took the free shipping options which are slower and waiting for them to get here is totally killing me esp cos i dont think either of them are getting here til monday at the earliest. fuck.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

i have orientation today. i had to call my mom last night to transfer me money cos im -$89 right now. i kinda didnt think she would do it but she actually called back a few mins ago to see if i needed more. whoa..? um yes. sometimes more is better. i sunburnt myself all day yesterday wearing my sunglasses so i have a huge red triangle in the center of my face what is my nose and white around my eyes with a red forehead also i wore a ponytail yesterday so its red all around my neck except a white line down the center of my back i look amazzzing.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

i got a new job! and its a damn good thing i had the foresight to lay off the dope a few months back cos indeed i had to pee in a cup for this one.
also, thats much harder than i had previously thot. i couldn't go the first time. they only allow 3 minutes and then they get really mean when you cant pee in front of them.
i had to stay there for an hour and drink water til i was sure that some evil old asian woman could no longer intimidate my bladder.
people working in pee collector positions are quite snatchy, as i suppose should be expected really. its not an ideal job description if you ask me.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

i have a job now where i sell things to people and i completely hate it. actually it would be good if more people wanted to buy the things that i sell but when people arent buying things i get to act busy and that translates to cleaning. so mostly i have a job cleaning more things than i sell. but they do pay me, so all is not lost. also i now have to get up at six am to work out which kinda blows but oh well right. i am still seeking other endeavors, tho. there is a new guy there, newer than me, who secures things er whatever he is basically a dork and he likes me too much for my liking. he wants to buy me lunch and touch me in bad places. also he is old enough to be my dad. well, if i had been born when he was in junior high anyway. wait, i probably was. that was dumb anyhow what i mean is he is and no matter how rude i am about that fact he does not take the hint and continues to portray himself in a child molesterly manner which is endearing in its own right im sure but will continue to prove fruitless nonetheless.
in other news i have not smoked pot at all in something like two months. surprisingly i dont really miss it all that much. not at all really. i dont even think about it and considering thats basically all i did for a good ten years it seems like its been a little too easy to give up. maybe its for good. who knows.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

sadly lacking pictorial evidence

this was posted in a myspace blog of a girl i knew from highschool. her shit is private so i cant link it so im reposting it here cos its extra funny. names have been changed so she cant get all pissy that i publically posted her private shit. heh.

Earlier today, my husband, daughter & I went to Auburn for a hair appointment. My husband took the opportunity to go around to the thrift stores out there to get his hands on some goodies to sell on ebay. On the way there, we marveled at how great the car looked. Jeff & Amy both worked very hard yesterday to wash & detail the entire car so it looked & smelled great!

Our hair appointment went well. We were both very happy with our hair & left feeling pleased but hungry. On the way home, we drove through Federal Way & went to Red Lobster. We all really enjoyed our meals… Amy & I both had the Salmon New Orleans with shrimp & a lemon butter sauce with veggies, mashed potatoes, a Caesar salad & biscuits. Jeff got the New York steak & prawns with a baked potato, veggies, a Caesar salad & biscuits. We all left feeling extremely content with our tummy's full to almost bursting.

This is where things started to go wrong….

We got on the freeway to drive home, when I got a bloody nose! (I have weak membranes in my nose & have always suffered from nose bleeds.) Not a big deal, right??? WRONG!! This one was BAD!!! I was bleeding so profusely from my left nostril that it couldn't come out fast enough so it was gushing down my throat! (Leave it to me to have worn my brand new white top today!!) Anyway, I was frantically searching the car for something to soak up the blood & ended up grabbing a tampon from my purse. I shoved it up my left nostril & thought "Okay, that's over with!!" WRONG AGAIN!! The blood started gushing from my other nostril!!

At that point, I was gagging because of the blood clotting in my throat so I grabbed an empty water bottle & started to spit the blood from my throat into it. I was doing alright until I started to throw up! Which I tried desperately to get into the small opening of the bottle without much success. My poor husband got one whiff of the half digested Salmon New Orleans & spewed into his hand!! Amy started laughing hysterically in the backseat!! Jeff started to laugh & sprayed puke everywhere which triggered the next reaction… Amy started to throw up & Jeff rolled her window down (since he has a control for it on his door) & she hung her head out & puked all down the side of our car!!

So, here we are doing about 70 mph on the freeway, projectile vomiting all over the freshly detailed car, laughing hysterically with me bleeding profusely all over myself & a tampon hanging from my nose! Sounds like something out of a bad movie, right?? What else could go wrong??? I PEED MY FRIGGIN' PANTS!! Yes! I admit it! I was laughing so hard & puking at the same time that I lost control of my bladder & whizzed! It wasn't a lot though! I pulled myself together almost immediately.

So, we pulled off the next exit & drove to a nearby church parking lot. THANK YOU, JESUS! We got out of the car & Jeff threw up again & Amy started gagging again when she got a look at the Salmon colored vomit with chunks of lettuce covering my entire body. She gagged so hard that she too lost control of her bladder & peed her pants! She screamed & started laughing & then announced that she peed her pants, which I responded "I did too!!" Then we all busted up laughing even harder.

Jeff walked over to the church & found a hose which we drove over to & started to try to clean the vomit & blood from my face, hands & clothes. Just then, the frickin' pastor walks out of the church & looks at us!! OMG! How embarrassing! We looked absolutely ridiculous! Here I am with blood all over my face & shirt, vomit all over the front of me, holding a dripping bottle of vomit & blood!! My husband started to explain what was going on & we all burst out laughing again! He was very friendly & went inside & got us some paper towels & chatted with us for awhile. We thanked him & cleaned up as best as we could under the circumstances. We hosed off the car on the side that Amy puked on. Wiped up the inside of the car, finished washing up & then got back in to complete our journey home.

My nose was still bleeding but had slowed considerably by that point. So, there we were, feeling the humility that only puking on yourself (& peeing our pants in Amy & my case) can bring. Still chuckling about what we must've looked like to other drivers when all of a sudden Amy announces that she's HUNGRY!! Lol :D Poor kid was left feeling hungry after having lost her whole lunch! We laughed hysterically all the way home!

Sunday, March 25, 2007


i think i bruised my vagina :( today me an jason went to the san diego zoo an i got sunburnt and saw camels and mini monkeys and a woman whose stomach was migrating down her pantlegs. then we went on the ski lift ride against my will an nearly made my chicken sammich consider reverse digestion. but now i am home and my arms itch and i have the sniffles. there is infection lurking in my sinuses i know cos yesterday i sneezed and the most amazingly disgusting glob of bloody green thickness landed right on my shoulder. it was totally metal.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

sometimes i sleep when i drool

holy shit jorell emailed me this blog is like magic alls i hafta do is put ure name innit and a coupla hours later youre all over my inbox fun huh. he says he doesnt hate me and that mean post he made wasnt about me but i kinda dont believe him :O but oh well.
he is pretty much the same really. he met a girl idk where and they are together now all the time plus she is good at math so im really happy for him about that anyhow.

yesterday i watched the truth about cats an dogs on tv and it made me all sensitive and emo cos jason kept calling the ugly girl ugly and having no sympathy for her plight er whatever. that movie was irritating cos for the whole plot to make sense hinges on the viewers ability to pretend that uma thurman is very attractive (?) apparently i lack that ability cos to me she looks like a malnourished hammerhead shark with downs syndrome.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

the march installment of my bitter

basically i have red hair now and i moved to california. not in that order tho, california came first. then red hair. also tapeworm and i broke up. this is all backward. 1. broke up 2. california 3. red hair. much better. okay. moving on. yesterday i thot i was ready for advanced pilates except i was wrong. and it hurt a lot. oh and remember jorell? hates me. internet friends are so fickle but whatever i pretty much never use messenger anymore at least not today. all i have left is oprah and shes being totally stooopid right now.

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