Wednesday, March 15, 2006

mein kolon

all my cousins totally hate me cos I've been way better than all of them since like, birth. plus I was the youngest and spent my whole first 7 years as a full time narc.

when I was 4 my cousin matt fed me like half a box of dog jerky and told me it was real beef jerky but I knew there was something wrong with it cos he was actually being nice and so I told my grandma and she got extra pissed and made him eat the whole rest of the pack.

when he was in 2nd grade he got lice so bad he plucked out all of his eyelashes. I never met his mom but I'm pretty sure she was a hooker.

he moved in with my aunt and her husband/his dad when he was like 10 but he was pretty much fucked from go and by the time he was 17 they'd finally had enough of him and were like, "get out" and so he and his scumbag friends would break into their house a whole bunch and steal everything and pawn it for heroin and he stole her car a few times and spent a good amount of time in jail.

I'm pretty sure he was gay. well his dad turned out to be anyhow. one time my aunt came home early from work and walked right into some kind of nazi meeting in her basement. he had swastikas hung on 3 walls and everyone was dressed in uniform.

when she filed for divorce, he had his hair dyed blonde cos he thought it was because he was starting to look old.

6 months after he moved out she found some unmarked videotapes and popped one in the vcr where she saw her ex-husband and a couple of his co-workers attempting to make their own amateur gay porn.

..I don't remember where I was going with this.

Blogger dan thinks I am a total genius.

I'd say it's a wonder you turned out normal in this environment.

But then that would assume normality on your end. Hmmm.

All I can say is Heil Elton.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 1:47:00 AM  
Anonymous Sommerfeldt thinks I am a total genius.

A gay nazi? What would der F├╝hrer say? ;-P Oh well...

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 2:54:00 AM  
Blogger Pikkel Weezel thinks I am a total genius.

My mom was a hooker, maybe he and I are brothers. Awesome, I never knew I had a brother, thanks for the info.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 4:06:00 AM  
Blogger nicole thinks I am a total genius.

Yeah, the whole Gay Nazi connection seems woefully misguided to me. I mean, did they NOT get the 100% Intolerance memo??

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 9:00:00 AM  
Blogger Leon thinks I am a total genius.

Weird. Just plain weird.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 9:54:00 AM  
Blogger captain_howdy_girl thinks I am a total genius.

That there is the purdy-est swastikie I's ever sawed.

"dan said...
I'd say it's a wonder you turned out normal in this environment."

Dan, sarcasm is mean.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 11:22:00 PM  
Blogger Jorell thinks I am a total genius.

all of this stuff explains alot in you... damn rofl

Thursday, March 16, 2006 1:10:00 AM  
Blogger Jimbo Big Toe thinks I am a total genius.

I think you should make gay port. You have the lips for it.

Thursday, March 16, 2006 8:49:00 AM  
Blogger Mojotek thinks I am a total genius.

I laughed, I cried, I sharted a little... wow. Great post.

Thursday, March 16, 2006 9:36:00 AM  
Blogger Croaker thinks I am a total genius.

Carrie this one is almost to much to believe.

Friday, March 17, 2006 6:24:00 AM  
Blogger Zombie_Flyboy thinks I am a total genius.

Is your cousin Matt Dillon?

That sounds exactly like him.

Friday, March 17, 2006 10:19:00 PM  
Blogger candoor thinks I am a total genius.

you turned out beautifully :)

Saturday, March 18, 2006 3:14:00 PM  
Anonymous nicole thinks I am a total genius.

Carrie, I would just like you to know that I'm visiting you FROM BlogMad right now. Aren't you proud of me??

Oh, and my blog url has changed. It's now:

In case anyone wants to know...

Sunday, March 19, 2006 3:15:00 PM  
Blogger JB thinks I am a total genius.

so fucking hilarious. gay nazis. darn. so brokeback. =p

but at least, you are pretty...

Monday, March 20, 2006 6:39:00 AM  
Blogger Brazen Hussy thinks I am a total genius.

holy cow..heavy stuff! would need a crowbar to crank up the hood and see what fuel you're running on. Damn I like you! PS. I object to being called a pensive retard - so fugging judgemental - I'm not thoughtful - waste of time- just go with the flow and react instinctively - yours truly, reactionary retard.

Monday, March 20, 2006 12:50:00 PM  
Blogger Danielle thinks I am a total genius.

My dad is addicted to porn, my uncle is an abusive alcoholic, my other uncle is a flake, and when I was a baby, I visited my grandmother in the hospital - she was going through detox. My grandfather told the my flake uncle that he wished he was never born. But...that ain't nothin. Aubrey's mom is a shop-o-holic and a compulsive gambler (the parental units are $90,000 in debt, his grandmother shot herself and before that, she told Aubrey that he couldn't be alone with her dog because the dog told her that Aubrey was abusing it. Aubrey's uncle cooks meth in a trailer in Lousiana and is now in hiding carrying with him his three kids (he owes some dude some money), and Aubrey's cousin got smashed for his 10th birthday and tested positive for meth for his 11th.

Monday, March 20, 2006 5:13:00 PM  
Blogger carrie thinks I am a total genius.

christ danielle, were you trying to 1-up me or did you actually think you could update your blog from my comment section?

Monday, March 20, 2006 9:37:00 PM  
Blogger x0r thinks I am a total genius.

i'm going to continue spamming you 2. [slash] i'm a suckass. please forgive me.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006 10:08:00 AM  

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