sadly lacking pictorial evidence

this was posted in a myspace blog of a girl i knew from highschool. her shit is private so i cant link it so im reposting it here cos its extra funny. names have been changed so she cant get all pissy that i publically posted her private shit. heh.

Earlier today, my husband, daughter & I went to Auburn for a hair appointment. My husband took the opportunity to go around to the thrift stores out there to get his hands on some goodies to sell on ebay. On the way there, we marveled at how great the car looked. Jeff & Amy both worked very hard yesterday to wash & detail the entire car so it looked & smelled great!

Our hair appointment went well. We were both very happy with our hair & left feeling pleased but hungry. On the way home, we drove through Federal Way & went to Red Lobster. We all really enjoyed our meals… Amy & I both had the Salmon New Orleans with shrimp & a lemon butter sauce with veggies, mashed potatoes, a Caesar salad & biscuits. Jeff got the New York steak & prawns with a baked potato, veggies, a Caesar salad & biscuits. We all left feeling extremely content with our tummy's full to almost bursting.

This is where things started to go wrong….

We got on the freeway to drive home, when I got a bloody nose! (I have weak membranes in my nose & have always suffered from nose bleeds.) Not a big deal, right??? WRONG!! This one was BAD!!! I was bleeding so profusely from my left nostril that it couldn't come out fast enough so it was gushing down my throat! (Leave it to me to have worn my brand new white top today!!) Anyway, I was frantically searching the car for something to soak up the blood & ended up grabbing a tampon from my purse. I shoved it up my left nostril & thought "Okay, that's over with!!" WRONG AGAIN!! The blood started gushing from my other nostril!!

At that point, I was gagging because of the blood clotting in my throat so I grabbed an empty water bottle & started to spit the blood from my throat into it. I was doing alright until I started to throw up! Which I tried desperately to get into the small opening of the bottle without much success. My poor husband got one whiff of the half digested Salmon New Orleans & spewed into his hand!! Amy started laughing hysterically in the backseat!! Jeff started to laugh & sprayed puke everywhere which triggered the next reaction… Amy started to throw up & Jeff rolled her window down (since he has a control for it on his door) & she hung her head out & puked all down the side of our car!!

So, here we are doing about 70 mph on the freeway, projectile vomiting all over the freshly detailed car, laughing hysterically with me bleeding profusely all over myself & a tampon hanging from my nose! Sounds like something out of a bad movie, right?? What else could go wrong??? I PEED MY FRIGGIN' PANTS!! Yes! I admit it! I was laughing so hard & puking at the same time that I lost control of my bladder & whizzed! It wasn't a lot though! I pulled myself together almost immediately.

So, we pulled off the next exit & drove to a nearby church parking lot. THANK YOU, JESUS! We got out of the car & Jeff threw up again & Amy started gagging again when she got a look at the Salmon colored vomit with chunks of lettuce covering my entire body. She gagged so hard that she too lost control of her bladder & peed her pants! She screamed & started laughing & then announced that she peed her pants, which I responded "I did too!!" Then we all busted up laughing even harder.

Jeff walked over to the church & found a hose which we drove over to & started to try to clean the vomit & blood from my face, hands & clothes. Just then, the frickin' pastor walks out of the church & looks at us!! OMG! How embarrassing! We looked absolutely ridiculous! Here I am with blood all over my face & shirt, vomit all over the front of me, holding a dripping bottle of vomit & blood!! My husband started to explain what was going on & we all burst out laughing again! He was very friendly & went inside & got us some paper towels & chatted with us for awhile. We thanked him & cleaned up as best as we could under the circumstances. We hosed off the car on the side that Amy puked on. Wiped up the inside of the car, finished washing up & then got back in to complete our journey home.

My nose was still bleeding but had slowed considerably by that point. So, there we were, feeling the humility that only puking on yourself (& peeing our pants in Amy & my case) can bring. Still chuckling about what we must've looked like to other drivers when all of a sudden Amy announces that she's HUNGRY!! Lol :D Poor kid was left feeling hungry after having lost her whole lunch! We laughed hysterically all the way home!

THATS TIT DIRT!

i think i bruised my vagina :( today me an jason went to the san diego zoo an i got sunburnt and saw camels and mini monkeys and a woman whose stomach was migrating down her pantlegs. then we went on the ski lift ride against my will an nearly made my chicken sammich consider reverse digestion. but now i am home and my arms itch and i have the sniffles. there is infection lurking in my sinuses i know cos yesterday i sneezed and the most amazingly disgusting glob of bloody green thickness landed right on my shoulder. it was totally metal.

sometimes i sleep when i drool

holy shit jorell emailed me this blog is like magic alls i hafta do is put ure name innit and a coupla hours later youre all over my inbox fun huh. he says he doesnt hate me and that mean post he made wasnt about me but i kinda dont believe him :O but oh well.
he is pretty much the same really. he met a girl idk where and they are together now all the time plus she is good at math so im really happy for him about that anyhow.

yesterday i watched the truth about cats an dogs on tv and it made me all sensitive and emo cos jason kept calling the ugly girl ugly and having no sympathy for her plight er whatever. that movie was irritating cos for the whole plot to make sense hinges on the viewers ability to pretend that uma thurman is very attractive (?) apparently i lack that ability cos to me she looks like a malnourished hammerhead shark with downs syndrome.

the march installment of my bitter

basically i have red hair now and i moved to california. not in that order tho, california came first. then red hair. also tapeworm and i broke up. this is all backward. 1. broke up 2. california 3. red hair. much better. okay. moving on. yesterday i thot i was ready for advanced pilates except i was wrong. and it hurt a lot. oh and remember jorell? hates me. internet friends are so fickle but whatever i pretty much never use messenger anymore at least not today. all i have left is oprah and shes being totally stooopid right now.

yer so pretty when ure unfaithful to me

i am really not cut out for work; im mean and not very service oriented. basically i am a total nazi. haha i should run a daycare.

dont fuck the birds

on the drive to oregon my aunt told me about a guy who fucks pigeons cos he likes the way it feels when they die.
i guess they convulse or something. also when i was maybe eleven, my same aunt told me about a time when she was working the infirmary of a washington state prison and she had to review some files. one of the convicts had a really bad infection in his urethra and had to have an invasive and painful procedure involving oversized catheters. it was sort of a long term treatment and after awhile he started to rather enjoy it..
he was released temporarily and after he returned to the prison he began complaining of severe abdominal pain. he was eventually x-rayed and inside of him they saw a coiled up skeletal remain of a snake. while he was out, he had found a very thin snake, which he claimed reminded him of the catheter, and tried to wrap the end of its tail around his finger and let it slither up inside of him but he lost control; the snake got loose an crawled up inside him an died

and somehow i still think he had a better weekend than i did..

i spent like 4 days in oregon with my parents and my aunt and uncle who are not married to each other because they are my moms brother an sister. yes that was probably more than you needed to know but you would have thot they were married if i hadn't just clarified that. anyhow. oregon sucks. i was going to meet my moms dad for the first time but instead we ended waiting for him to die all weekend cos he decided to have heart failure plus like 8 kinds of cancer an a collapsed lung all in the 6 hours it took us to drive to lincoln city. and it rained. the whole time. we stayed in some hotel on the beach an there was a huge storm and my uncle completely freaked out cos i got high in the hotel room and he called me dysfunctional (HAHAHA) and opened all the windows and doors to try an "air the room out" like the atf was about to bust in. everyone was pissed cos it was fucking freezing an windy and he was trying to act like they should all get mad at me over it cos it was my fault he HAD TO air the room like this but no one else cared an basically told him he was being a prick and once he realized it was not going his way he tried to tell me "you can go ahead an shut ONE of those windows now" and i was like "um fuck yourself". anyhow he pretty much spent the entire time pissing me off which was not smart because i promptly kicked him in the shoulder when i was getting out of the car for breakfast.
we were supposed to leave on sunday but my moms dad just wouldnt die so even tho we only brought enough clothes for 3 days they made us stay another day cos they were SURE he would not have lived thru the last 2 days already so somehow that made them think that he was definitely gonna do it tomorrow?? i dont know i still dont even understand why anyone would want to "be there" when someone died. especially if it means hanging around in yesterdays clothes. and for what? ive been home for 2 days and he still aint dead yet.

ejaculation of my soul

gentrification ruined my birthday. me an tapeworm drove for 3 hours trying to find the hood and there was nothing but townhouses. there wasnt even a lot of churches wtf.
seattle basically has no culture. just pho and totem poles.
goddamn bubble tea.

tomorrow i have to go to my parents house where i will be forced to endure my grandfather and some other random family members while eating something my mom cooked.

...whose birthday is this?

im really a troll called indofunk ;)

heh.. apparently these people dont think the "real carrie" would stalk their forum.

lol, slut

wtf nsfw ffs

i am totally not gonna bother warning you against reading my blog while you're at work. if you dont know what the fuck you should be doing while on your employers computer then you deserve to get fired you stupid piece of shit. and i hope its damn embarrassing too.

yes that was completely unprovoked.

i forfeit my liver

today me an tapeworm smoked drugs and then i made us listen to galore and basically that entire album is about how jacque is an insatiable slut.

all my friends hate each other. and some of them even hate me.

i have achieved a new and higher level of nerddom lately my days consist of working out and listening to npr. i still have no idea what they're on about most of the time but im listening damnit.

thursday i got a letter about the "disturbances" coming from my unit. ugh.. i would totally bitch about that except im kinda exhausted of talking about it anymore. i dunno maybe later.

i found a post i wrote a long time ago like maybe a year and a half that i never posted cos tapeworm said it was "too much" and so i read it again last night to him and he still says its "too much". i think perhaps i ask him what he thinks "too much" ..but he is prolly right an thats why ure reading this instead of that.

more whining/complaining

the best way to sum today up would be complete hormonal rampage. um hello internet im bleeding again.

i dropped out of school (again) i will be going back sometime in january but for now i am supposed to get a job or something sometime. heh. i am okay at working as long as it is not a neverending pit of time suckage. having to see the same people everyday totally pisses me off. like a few days i am okay with but they hafta be spread out and also i cant stay too long.

hmmm well pretty much i am back to avoiding my mother again. i had this rather extended loss of reason an accountability where i was planning to move in with them and i actually did go stay with them for what ended up being 2.375 days because thats how long it took me to get tired of my dad smelling like a bottle of bacardi before 10am. jealousy is ugly.

also my birthday will be on november 3 again this year.
prepare yourselves.