Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Ain't No Tellin When I'm Down For a Jack Move...

Stole this one from Jennifer W.K. who stole it from The Kraken who stole it from Arc, and it's late, so I'm gonna get to the point.


Chore I hate: Fuck... All of 'em. I guess if I had to pick one it would have to be dishes (that includes anything to do with the garbage disposal).

Dad's name: Donzie, as in 'the DONZE'. Drunk Ass Pops works, too.

Gold or silver: Gold

Hometown: Seattle

Interesting Fact: I don't know if it's very interesting, but I won't take the first of anything. Like if I'm buying some Cheerios, I have to reach back for the box behind the one that's in front. Do you have any idea how many ham-fisted people have already handled and carried that box around the store, then decided they didn't need at the last minute, so the bag boy takes it back to the shelf and sits it in front of all the other Cheerios for the next unsuspecting shopper to take home and eat. IT'S PRACTICALLY USED ALREADY! Yep, I'm totally cuckoo. Tickles tells me it's just my OCD.

Job Title: Full-Time Student, Database Specialist, and former panhandler

Kids: No, thanks

Living arrangements: 800 sq. ft. 1 bedroom apartment shared with Tickles_Tapeworm.

Mom's birthplace: Big Mama

Number of apples eaten last week: 3 and I put CHUNKY peanut butter on one of 'em.

Overnight hospital stays: nope, not yet.

Phobias: Ugh- too many to mention, but here's a few highlights: pop-up toasters, midgets, 5-20 bridge, make that ALL floating bridges, earthquakes, insects (yes, all of them), and prison time.

Question you ask yourself a lot: Did we ever finish that bowl? How much weed would I have to smoke before you'd seem cool? WHERE THE FUCK IS MY (insert here: remote, shoes, comb, mind)?!

Religious affiliation: I was raised Catholic, but I haven't attended mass in 9 years.

Siblings: Not anymore ;)

Time I wake up: Varying. I try to get up by 10 so I can catch my re-runs, but I didn't move until 2pm today. What...Jealous??

Unnatural hair color: First ever was "Copper", next came "Dark Golden Brown" which was more like DARK brown, then it was bleached with some sort of Punky Colours Purple streaks, then "Sun-kissed blonde", next was a Punky Colours royal blue shade, after that was black, when black grew out and started looking haggard, I cut it off and went back to "sun-kissed blonde". When my hair grew longer, I dyed it "really red" and stuck with that for like 3 years 'cause everybody loved it, and my stylist actually thought it was real(!) and couldn't believe I'd been doing it myself. I (finally) gave up hair dye like 4 years ago and will NEVER do it again.

Natural hair color: Light Golden Brown

Vegetable I refuse to eat: Mushrooms, and if those aren't vegetables then my second choice is green onion.

Worst habit: me? yeah, right.

hmmm... I suppose lashing out at (im)perfect strangers would have to be number one (I'll bet you're all nodding your heads in agreement right now).

X-rays: most recently, lumbar spine

Delicious food I make: Dutch Babies, Bread Pudding -Tickles insists we call it 'French Toast Cake', Jailhouse Burritos- courtesy of a Clark County inmate, REAL Green Bean Casserole
--FUCK your pussy-ass Campbell's soup gravy and dehydrated onion topping BULLSHIT.

Zodiac sign: Scorpio

What kind of cars have you owned: Hotwheels

Friday, April 08, 2005

Two days 'til there's 5 days 'til there's 2 more days again

Today marks the end of the first week of Spring Quarter. So far the degree of suckage is unsurpassable.
Why so shitty, you say?
I'll tell you why; MY INSTRUCTOR IS A DICK.

In a matter of 2 emails, this man has managed to PISS ME THE FUCK OFF with what I can only identify as sarcasm.

I registered for another distance (online) course. I took an IT distance class in Fall 2004 and am somewhat enthusiastic about this method of learning. Online classes offer a lot of flexibility which is great when you have a lot going on.

I was to write an email introducing myself to the instructor and send a picture to be uploaded to our class website. He was in turn supposed to send a password for me to upload a biography to accompany the picture.

I sent the intro, letting him know the biography was complete and I was ready to post it.
He sent the password and I went to post my profile, but was prompted for a user name.
In my previous online course, the user was my student id#. I tried to log in with it and failed. So I tried my name. After several unsuccessful tries, I emailed him back thanking him for the password and explaining that I didn't have my user name.

His reply to me was this:


Carrie
Please read the first page of the class website.......it says the user name is **** and then use your password. When in doubt follow directions.




Hmmm... Call me sensitive *snicker*, but WHAT THE FUCK DID HE JUST SAY?!!
"When in doubt follow directions." My eyes must be deceiving me; I am sure this little prick didn't just make a jab. Does he know who he's dealing with?!?!

So of course, I go back to the home page, sure enough, it's there and I can immediately tell why I missed it-- The font does not work against the background and this man obviously has no concept of web design.

I had to sit back and let the steam escape. No such luck; I was hot as hell.

Under normal circumstances I would have given it to him straight and sent him away crying like the little bitch that he is, but this is not blogger.
I've got 5 credits to earn here and being right isn't going to net me a degree.

So I did my best. I hit reply and quipped:

Indeed, it does; thank you for pointing that out to me. My biography has been uploaded.

Thank you



And wouldn't you know this fucker sees fit to retort:


Great.....


ASSHOLE!!

I can already tell this is going to be a pleasant experience.

**note to self: Never register for online classes unless you have reason to believe the instructor will be even remotely aware of "Netiquette" or at least the "Interpersonal Gap" and that it's probably best to make an effort to close it (the gap) rather than expand it by making snide and condescending remarks.

*sigh* Just 10 weeks to go...

Friday, April 01, 2005

So You've Decided To Be Evil...

Congratulations on being the creator of a new
Evil Plan (tm)!


Your objective is simple: Criminal Activities.

Your motive is a little bit more complex: Hatred for all mankind

Stage One

To begin your plan, you must first expose a rich and powerful CEO. This will cause the world to give one another worried looks, stunned by your arrival. Who is this sadistic fiend? Where did they come from? And why do they look so good slathered in mayonnaise?

Stage Two

Next, you must desecrate the Internet. This will all be done from an abandoned church; a mysterious place of unrivaled dark glory. Upon seeing this, the world will wet their pants, as countless hordes of Christian Scientists hasten to do your every bidding.

Stage Three

Finally, you must tauntingly wave your unholy weapon, bringing about something that's really METAL. Your name shall become synonymous with evil, and no man will ever again dare interrupt your sentences. Everyone will bow before your supreme might, and the world will have no choice but to send you all their money.

Friday, March 18, 2005

Gang Showers

This post by Rich over at Shockingly Provincial has inspired me to share with you a formative memory from my youth.

When I was nine I had the misfortune of attending camp with my fourth grade class for an entire week.
We were separated into cabins and intermingled with kids from other schools in my state who we would have to "bunk" with for our stay.

There were about ten girls in my cabin and two showers.
I had no idea they didn't plan on letting us take turns.

Instead of being even somewhat reasonable and letting us go two at a time, they piled five of us into each stall.

As if it wasn't weird enough for me to be naked and squished into a 3x4 stall with a bunch of girls I've never met, I somehow got stuck in there with a grotesquely over-developed 21 year old (what's a nice word for retarded??) woman who had THE HUGEST BOOBS I HAVE EVER SEEN!
Thank God for the remedial qualities of marijuana.

I cannot begin to recount here the horror of what I saw.
They were COLOSSAL. I was staring. We were all staring.

I don't know WHY she was there.
We were nine. She acted like she was six. She looked like she was forty.

Some of the other girls ended up befriending her and they would sit and talk for hours while the rest of us participated in various activities.
Pretty soon she was telling them all about living in a hospital and having strange men come into her room and rape her all the time, sparing no detail.
Her stories had quickly become the daily drama.

About the fourth night in, she freaked out. I heard her crying in the middle of the night. She jumped out of bed and ran out of the cabin screaming. Inevitably, chaos ensued.

The next morning they sent her sizeable ass back where it came from, but it was too late. We were spoiled; innocence lost.

God damn gang showers.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Holla Atcha Boi

Is that really an acceptable phrase?

I know some bloggers look disapprovingly upon those of us who see fit to forgo formality, writing and typing in the same way we speak, but...
does anyone actually talk like that??

It's baffling.

'Well', 'um' and 'like' suddenly pale in comparison.

Saturday, March 12, 2005

What Chinatown would rather forget

Despite its designation as the location of Washington State's worst mass murder, the Wah Mee Club is essentially invisible, non-existent, deceased.

Club EntranceIts entrance doors have been padlocked and tagged with graffiti. The opaque glass bricks that front the entrance are covered in a thick layer of dirt and grime.

Police, clandestinely enforcing a gambling tolerance policy, kept the Wah Mee Club alive for years.

Post MassacreWhen the Club officially died, it was at the hands of three young men who left thirteen dead bodies on the floor, and one man to tell the tale.

The Wah Mee Club may no longer exist, but what happened at the Club is a brutally horrific piece of Pacific Northwest history.

Find out more about Seattle's Wah Mee Massacre.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Novus Ordo Seclorum

Myron Fagan recorded his exposé on the Illuminati and Council on Foreign Relations in the late 1960's on three LP records. His lecture is presented here in six parts representing each side of those records.

Download individual mp3 files:
(right click and save link/target as)A New Order of the Ages
Part 1   play length 25 min.
Part 2   play length 24 min.
Part 3   play length 23 min.
Part 4   play length 26 min.
Part 5   play length 27 min.
Part 6   play length 27 min.

OR

mp3 stream; the entire lecture.

An accompanying transcript.

As Myron is no longer with us, the addresses and telephone numbers given in his lecture are regrettably no longer valid.

I encourage you to save the Myron Fagan audio files as they are "irreplaceable" and their existence on this blog cannot be guaranteed.

Monday, March 07, 2005

Let's me and you go for a ride, Otis...

If I were a serial killer I would be Albert Fish.

Albert Fish was a masochistic pedophile obsessed with religious themes such as sin, sacrifice, and redemption through pain.

It is believed that he would force his own children to beat him with a nail studded paddle until he bled. He would also stick nails underneath his finger nails,into his groin, his scrotum and his anus.

He forced himself to eat feces and would stick alcohol soaked cotton balls up his anus and set them on fire.

Fish believed that God wanted him to castrate boys, which he would do over the course of many years, finally to be caught for kidnapping, murdering and eating a 10 year old girl.
Fish claims to have molested over four hundred children. Police charged him with eight but suspect him on fifteen.



Kill count: unconfirmed

Find what serial killer you would be, Take the Serial Killer Quiz now!

Sunday, March 06, 2005

Because I'm a hip, happenin' youngster ...and Ethereal told me to

1. What's your name? Carrie

2. How old are you? 23

3. What color are your eyes? Grey (I think..)

4. What is the most sinister thing you've done? Blog

5. Do you take a fancy to sponges? Not especially.

6. If the world was to end tomorrow, who would you sleep with? Probably Tickles. Yeah, either Tickles or a boyscout. troop.

7. Do you know who I am? not really.

8. Mario Lopez (one of the guys from saved by the bell) offers you an obviously fake nickle. Would you take it? Wow. I really had to think about this. I'm not sure why, but I'm leaning toward yes.

9. Do you like to answer questions? Not really, but I'm willing to compromise.

10. What would you do if you were jumped by a gang of weak elderly people? Run.

11.Do you know what happened to Jimmy Hoffa? Yeah, he "disappeared".

12.If I said that I owned an arsenal of weapons, would you believe me? not so much.

13.Is this question unlucky? I hope not.

14.An inu, much like the one found at www.jackalbutt.com (In the "Artwork" section, second pic down), offers to sleep with you. Would you accept? I think I'll pass.

15.Many people think that vore (the act of a character devouring overexaggerated amounts of food, an object, or another character) is sick twisted and downright gross. Do you feel the same way? Um, what??

16.Would you make friends with wall paneling? I'm getting tired. I'm going to be lazy and take a break.

17.Do you think it's ok to post child pornography anywhere?

18.Would you make a better sword or an axe? (which would you consider yourself to be?)

19.Why?

20.If someone came up to you and slapped you with a kosher pickle, would you slap them back?

21.Your grandma is very sick and you want to give her a nice gift. Would you give her A.)a flower B.)Exploding candy C.)A puppy D.)A jackhammer E.)Perfectly harmless chocolate, or F.)A heaping plate of Fugu, a Japanese delicacy?

22.A strawberry, much like the ones you find in a store, begins harassing a toddler. Would you laugh?

23.You are being arrested by Bobo, the LA street clown. Would you fight him off?

24.If someone gave you a pet rock named Earl, would you change his name?

25.If yes, what would it be?

26.Would you trade a Nintendo 64 for a Super Nintendo Entertainment System?

27.A butcher is five foot ten inches tall. What does he weigh?

28.Have you ever thrown up on a sumo wrestler who had a bad day?

29.If not, would you?

30.A faceless man begins to talk to you. Would you fear for your life?

31.Do you like breakfast in bed?

32.Spongebob is green. Do you agree?

33.You encounter the tribe of the banana people and they claim you to be their god. Would you devour them right away or melt them with your amazing heat vision?

34.If ever you were accidentally given a check for 100 bazillion dollars, would you make it your life long goal to give it back to its owner or would you go to KB toyz and spend it all in one day?

35.If you were bitten by a deadly spider, would you believe that you had amazing spider abilities?

36.I say potato, you say?

37.Do you think that it would be fun to throw peanuts at an 800 pound gorilla?

38.What do you think would be the most fun to sell on e-bay?

39.Charlie, the eight foot chicken man is knocking at your door. Would you answer it?

40.If you life was a book, what would it be called? The Bible

41.Sliced bread is the greatest invention. Do you agree? This is why I prefer unsliced bread.

42.Will you copy and paste this on your own blog so that other people may have the chance to amuse themselves as well? sure thing.

I'm teaching my nephew to cook

My First Meth Lab

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

This hit goes out to all the times I wish I had one but didn't...

bong hit

Went to pick up that female stem (FINALLY) today to replace the broken one.

After waiting like 15 minutes for the worthless bitch behind the counter to get her fat ass off the phone and get my stem so I could get the fuck out of that shit hole, I came home all excited to fix the bong and wouldn't ya know, it didn't fit. FUCK! Fuck, dude.

So I went back. They don't have the right size stem for my shit, so I had to trade in the one I bought for one that's too small. I've managed to work it out temporarily with a few extra grommets, so all is well.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

I was gonna leave this alone, but that's just not my style.

This guy is a BlogNazi.

If you've had the misfortune of reading my tasteless blog in the last week, it's possible you've already read this post.

He's got a new 23 year old target. I guess I'm not so special.

Somebody tell me when it became cool to brag your intelligence over the net? And by singling out girls half your age, dedicating blogposts to ridiculing them and encouraging others to join in?

I am no blog saint. I've left a few icky comments here and there when I felt it was warranted.
But I stopped before I felt like I needed to copy and paste the nastiness up here and pat myself on the back over it.

I may think you're a cunt, but I'm not gonna say it here.
And link to you.
Like this.
That's what comments are for.