mark it 8, dude

there are few things more irritating than when tapeworm looks over here all, "my god, how many windows do you have open?!"

6 tabs is not excessive, damnit. just turn around.


I'm kinda thinking we should break into the apartments next door to use their pool but tapeworm says thats probably not the best idea I've ever had. I don't really think we have another option tho.

he bite me in my vagina

bitch do I come down to cracky d's and slap the cheeseburger out your mouth?

tapeworm is still sleeping and I am ready to go to the damn fair already. I am a funnel cake fiend. I crave the hot greasy love batter and I will accept no substitutes!
my god..I can almost taste the heartattack..
I'm gonna flash some carnies and get some free shit (yes, I'm really that shallow). I'll be the only girl there who isn't pushing 350 lbs a stroller so I can't lose ;)

I opened a can of mandarin oranges today from 1988.
I only ate 3 of them before I decided they looked kind of funny. but they tasted alright. I still have about 15 cans of them and I'm not sure but I might just take the plunge.


its jennifer wk's birthday today.
she is currently the #2 most bangable blog babe on the whole web and you should go wish her a happy 25th cos she rocks.

skills: essing the dee

I'm not one to go offering advice, nor do I suggest you heed anything I may propose, but what I will say is STOP WHINING.
thats aimed at no one in particular BUT if it speaks to you, then listen.

yesterday I was at trader joes picking up some 3 buck chuck and my bra started itching me really bad so I tried to adjust it but ended up pinching my boob really hard and I almost cried.
but I got some blue jalepeño cornbread and a bottle of grey goose which I plan to make acquaintance with very shortly.

barker must've gotten some weed of his own cos he hasn't called in a bit. he and his wife bought a house with his husband-in-law like 2 years ago and he's all pissy cos we havent come over yet. I don't like his wife. the bitch is mean and she got even worse after she found out we call her jenbison and tell everyone bob fucks her brother. pfft. like its not obvious.
tapeworm tried to warn bob not to marry her cos shes super old and has bad credit. plus they'd never even lived together, but bob went and told her. haha..whoops. all the sudden she shows up to the house with beer trying to kiss ass. last time I saw her she was bitching about how much bob spent on her ring and how he'd stuck them in that house for the next 10 years.
see why you shouldn't rush into marriage? it sucks.

the fair started today but I think I'm gonna give them the weekend to get a feel for the fryers. I don't want any half ass funnel cake, y'know.

shits fucked

but my old comments are back! blogger is being funny and comments aren't working so I'm gonna go drink a lot and see if it fixes itself by the time I get back.

edit: shits not fucked anymore. vodka cures the internet :D

bush don't care about white folk either

I am now in posession of one suspended credit card. I blame bush. he doesn't care about my financial situation. hes given them permission to go up and shoot me.


casey got his car impounded cos he decided that cops had better things to do than pull people over.

yep, he really said that.

but what he forgot to tell his passengers is that he was driving on a suspended license. when they asked him to step out of the vehicle, his pipe fell out of his pant leg and bounced off his shoe. I know I sleep better at night knowing this genius is out "being all he can be".

damn! tapeworm ate all the tuna casserole.

I am friends with bea arthur now so I guess myspace is not completely without redeeming value. if you have myspace, you should add me cos my self esteem is entirely contingent upon the number of friends I have.
don't worry; I'll only deny you if you suck :p

I gotta go rest up, cos today I'm getting paid to do for an hour what the rest of you do all day long: sit at a desk and eat donuts! but I don't have to deal with any clients or colleagues! sweet, huh? and I'm getting $1/minute.

mackin with carrie

Mike Neil: Why hello
talk_to_carrie: hey
Mike Neil: So whos cooler then being cool?
talk_to_carrie: uh..me?
Mike Neil: yup
Mike Neil: you are really smart!
talk_to_carrie: I try
talk_to_carrie: so whered you find me?
Mike Neil: on a hotel room floor vomitting?
talk_to_carrie: I think you got the wrong ho
Mike Neil: ho?
Mike Neil: Thats a very bad way to see women
talk_to_carrie: so's on the floor vomitting...
Mike Neil: you should have your mouth washed out with soap
talk_to_carrie: uh, no thanks
Mike Neil: yeah, i'd pass on that too
talk_to_carrie: instinct
Mike Neil: you watching prison break tonight?
talk_to_carrie: I don't watch tv
talk_to_carrie: I havent watched in at least 6 months. I have no clue whats going on in the world
Mike Neil: I find TV helps shut out the voices in my head telling me to do evil things
Mike Neil: such as clean the restroom, do my laundry
talk_to_carrie: heh..yeah, the internet works in similar ways for me
Mike Neil: I know you haven't been watching tv, did you hear how Castro has declared war on Sweden?
talk_to_carrie: uh, whos castro?
talk_to_carrie: whats sweden?
Mike Neil: Dictator of Cuba
Mike Neil: Sweden = country that hides nazi gold
talk_to_carrie: I thought cuba was an actor
Mike Neil: nah Cuba is a country Bush would like to forget about
talk_to_carrie: hmmm...funny, cos I'd like to forget about bush
Mike Neil: yeah he is a big moron who was given the all day lunch pass to the playground of life
talk_to_carrie: yeah his father was better. slightly.
Mike Neil: yeah, I wonder if his father's father could actually talk without someone having written what he said before hand
talk_to_carrie: well, they are from the south.
Mike Neil: that figures
Mike Neil: so, what are your plans for tonight?
talk_to_carrie: hmmm....I think I might smoke a few bongloads, take a shower, eat some pasta maybe play some hulk and crash out when the urge strikes
talk_to_carrie: busy day, y'know
Mike Neil: yeah
Mike Neil: as much as you hate bush, you are following in his footsteps
talk_to_carrie: oh yeah?
talk_to_carrie: then I guess Im set
Mike Neil: using drugs, loafing around, not doing anything productive
talk_to_carrie: but I'll be president some day, so whats to bitch about?
Mike Neil: not really, women can't rise to presidency
talk_to_carrie: right, I should prolly be baking some pie right now
Mike Neil: its a proven fact, watch hillary become a victem of a shooter from the grass nole
Mike Neil: what kind of pie?
talk_to_carrie: pecan
talk_to_carrie: or blueberry
Mike Neil: why should you be making it?
Mike Neil: having a bake sale?
talk_to_carrie: its womanly, y'know
talk_to_carrie: nope, just eating it all like a housewife
talk_to_carrie: thats what we're good for
Mike Neil: well, the good question is what does your man want you to make?
talk_to_carrie: he doesnt care, so long as I'm on my knees
Mike Neil: ha
Mike Neil: this has all gotten too silly
talk_to_carrie: too silly?
talk_to_carrie: is there such a thing as too silly?
talk_to_carrie: I dont think we've gotten silly enough..
Mike Neil: yeah a grown man when wears clown shoes to bed, now thats silly
talk_to_carrie: haha I got this crazy email about some guy who fucks his sister.
talk_to_carrie: they think I'm upset about it
talk_to_carrie: can you believe that?
talk_to_carrie: why would I care if you wanna fuck your sister?
Mike Neil: I don't have a sister
talk_to_carrie: I mean, we can still be friends
talk_to_carrie: I dont have a sister either
Mike Neil: what the hell are you talking about
Mike Neil: ?
talk_to_carrie: an email. what are you talking about?
Mike Neil: So, you got some strange email?
talk_to_carrie: yeah.
talk_to_carrie: from a guy named who goes by pappy. weird, huh?
talk_to_carrie: oops
talk_to_carrie: you know what i meant, huh?
Mike Neil: you are one crazy mofo
talk_to_carrie: whoa...really?
talk_to_carrie: so whered you find me?
Mike Neil: blogexplosion
talk_to_carrie: aha..
talk_to_carrie: whats yer blog?
Mike Neil: http://ocdfinds.blogspot.com/
talk_to_carrie: oh okay, I've read your stuff before
talk_to_carrie: interesting notes
Mike Neil: thanks
talk_to_carrie: you go by an alias, huh?
talk_to_carrie: or did you just link me to someone elses blog?
Mike Neil: Alias, the tv show?
talk_to_carrie: uh, alias, your fake name
talk_to_carrie: remember, I don't do tv
Mike Neil: oh yeah
Mike Neil: Well its all fake on the internet
talk_to_carrie: uh...
Mike Neil: even the orgasms in porn
talk_to_carrie: wouldn't know about that
Mike Neil: I figured
talk_to_carrie: so whats yer real blog?
Mike Neil: http://thedebtdefier.blogspot.com/
talk_to_carrie: look, its not like I've got real important shit to do, but youre just wasting my time
Mike Neil: okay
Mike Neil: my real site is here: http://birdparty.blogspot.com/
talk_to_carrie: nice talking to ya mike
Mike Neil: mike?

contracting a tapeworm

if you don't count all the times we've broken up, today marks 5 years of tapeworm and me. the only motherfucker to hit it since its been legal. can you believe it? heh..neither can he :p

in honor of this occasion, a story: how carrie met tapeworm

I had just come out of lock up (for the last time ..so far!) and was attempting to live with my parents for the first time in 9 months.

I was 15 and had experienced things most adults can't even fathom. that alone was more than enough to alienate the majority of my peers, but add to that numerous chemical dependencies, dropping out of highschool, a shaved head (again, drugs), a police record.. I was one lonely little girl.

I wasn't quite finished being a fuck up, and I was out to celebrate my release. which meant I was on a mission to get as high as I could possibly get. I met a girl that day who was (just barely) still in highschool, who was too scared to do drugs but was incredibly enamored with me and my unconventional lifestyle. and she wanted to come along for the ride and meet my scumbag "friends", bringing a boy she was interested in (you may know him as butt rock britt) along with a friend of his to meet up in a park late one august evening.

as I stepped into the park carrying 2 freshly stolen boxes of wine, I quickly recognized the familiar glare of disapproval. the three of them kept their distance as my cohorts and I proceeded to expose them to our (un)usual activities. I can honestly not remember much of the remainder of the evening, but I do know I ended up walking 6 miles back to my parents home around 4am with several of those "friends" to crash out on my bedroom floor.

not quite the love story you were expecting, huh? yeah well...

things went on like this for some time. I continued to do stupid shit and look like a loser. my new acquaintences watched warily as I broke rules and exercised poor judgement. I tried to convince them to join me in my endeavors, but they consistently declined. I was honestly thrilled they still wanted to be in my company. my parents were so happy I had managed to make friends with homes of their own that they really didn't give me much trouble. things were going really well. though I still had a long way to go, spending time with tapeworm was slowly reminding me of what "normal" looked like.

by the time I was 17, I had severed all ties with street people. though not much of an improvement on my situation, I was dating a coke dealer named albert and, obviously, was still using drugs. this was around the height of my friendship with jacque and I was blowing off everyone who wasn't just as high as I was, partly cos I didn't want anyone to know how bad it was and partly because I didn't want anyone to try and stop me.

up until then I had still been spending every spare moment with my best friend in the whole world, mr. tickles tapeworm. but drugs won, and I treated him like shit. then one day I went crazy. just like that. a fairly uneventful afternoon, and I hadn't gotten high in a week. just sitting around the house and I began to hallucinate. I knew something wasn't right, but I didn't want to tell anyone about it. my boyfriend and his roommate stopped by after a big score to pick me up and bring me to their apartment, but I didn't want to go. said I'd take a bus up later (waaay out of character for me).

I eventually got it together enough to leave the house, and made my way to the apartment but when I got there I still felt weird and the houseful of tweakers didn't help things any. I didn't want to get high. for the first time I could remember. and that scared me, maybe even more than the fact that I was hearing things. I couldn't sleep and it had been 2 days and I was still crazy. I had to tell my mom I needed help and I knew she was gonna be mad to hear I was still involved with drugs. I walked to her office and sat down in the chair across from her desk and she knew something wasn't right. she told me one of my eyes was pinned and the other was fully dilated. I looked in the mirror, and she was right; I even looked crazy. she said she had suspected something was wrong because I left all my things at home. my keys, my id, my coat (it was late january). all the stuff I carried everywhere. and I hadn't even noticed.

though its impossible for me to describe in a way you could understand, I was terrified. mostly of myself. I couldn't step into my room without bursting into tears. I wore my parents clothes because I couldn't stand my own. animals ran from me! and nothing helped. I was 17 years old, and I was attached to my mom like a toddler. I saw doctors and specialists and a month later, I was still as crazy as I was the day it started. one doctor speculated that perhaps I was just experiencing anxiety due to the fact that I was approaching my 18th birthday; a year signifying "independence and self-sufficiency". maybe it did for him. I'd been both of those things for quite some time.

I can't tell you when it finally stopped; it was very gradual. things would be okay for a few days and then I would feel overwhelmed again and afraid for seemingly no reason. but those days became fewer and farther between and slowly I began calling people again. I hadn't talked to any of my friends since the day I left the apartment to find my mom. at least a month had passed. expecting to be met with interest and even sympathy, I was surprised to find that not only did they seem not to care at all, they didn't even want to acknowledge it had happened. finally it became clear to me how fucked up I really was that I had mistaken these people for friends. I didn't even like them. I had thrown away the only real friends I had in an attempt to ditch accountability.

I still hadn't called tapeworm. in over 2 years I hadn't gone a day without seeing him and I hadn't so much as called him in months. he had no idea anything was even wrong. and now, I was a completely different person. the phone rang everyday and seeing his name on the caller id was enough to send me into a panic. I was hiding from him. I had no idea how to tell him the girl he knew with no fear whatsoever had become afraid of her own shadow. everyone I knew had rejected me at my first refusal of narcotics. I had no expectation that he should be any different. only this time it was gonna hurt.

I had said hello before I even weighed the consequences. it was just time to get it over with. I had no words to recount the past couple of months. I felt like a blind man trying to describe color. through all my awkwardness I finally arrived without much of a point and he was still there. still listening. and still wanted to see me. I really wasn't prepared for that and strange as it sounds, I wasn't really sure I wanted to go through with it. but monday night I came over to watch wrestling with him and britt. and britt was anything but supportive. he called me weak, he said I'd come around to getting high again. he sparked up a bowl and I left the room, reminding myself why I should have never come. and tapeworm followed me. at the time I was more than prepared for people like britt, and assured tapeworm there was no reason for him to follow my lead. but he refused to leave and said if I wasn't gonna get high anymore, he wasn't either.

of course this is all too good to last. within a few months, my fear of getting high had nearly worn away completely. I was becoming more comfortable again, and jacque called. tapeworm came with me to her house and when she went to pass me her pipe, I declined, and she flipped out. she said I thought I was better than her. she called me a pussy. as stupid as I knew it was I gave in. I got high and found out it wasn't going to be the end of the world like I had made it into. I convinced myself that I had been scared for no reason and my fear of getting high, completely irrational. I just wanted to feel normal again. to not have to be weird and affected by things other people couldn't understand. but I didn't feel normal. I just worried that I was "asking for it". how long would it be before I was seeing things again? would it be worse the next time? could I end up like that forever? what if I was losing it and couldn't even tell?

luckily I never had to answer any of those questions. jacque got evicted and moved in with her boyfriend, who had no idea about her problem. we had to sneak around over there and I wasn't down with getting caught by him, so I just stopped answering her calls.

things quickly returned to the "norm" I had come to accept. it wasn't my old life, but it was comfortable and I was starting to feel happy again for the first time in too long. and that was all that really mattered anymore. I spent 6 months focused on myself. I started running, got a new job and finished highschool. just one year later than the rest of my graduating class.

I was selling pastries one day exactly 2 months before my 18th birthday, when it dawned on me that tickles tapeworm is the only person I've ever known who never judged me. ever. even when I was a complete piece of shit. I have never been able to say or do anything to make him change his mind about me. and he never throws any of it back in my face just because he's upset. lots of people spend their whole lives looking for someone like that and never find it. I couldn't wait until my shift was over so I could tell him how much I loved him. and thats exactly what I did. 5 years ago today.

emcee reverend doctor black jesus

my sink has been gurgling lately. I don't even want to think about what that could mean. I just hope it doesn't involve having the maintenance guy up here. he creeps me out. last time I had to have him up here my bathroom fan was off balance and he came by unannouced and knocked as he was opening the door and I had no clothes on. all I could do was scream and I haven't really wanted to call for maintenance ever since. besides, I'd have to *gasp* clean my apartment. hehehh. I could prolly get evicted for the condition of this place. I'm sure it must be a fire hazard at the least.

this dude I call dirty john/vajohnna had a party at his place and the cops showed up cos everyone was out on the lawn and being loud and shit cos his house is so ganked. but I was 16 and the only one under 21, so I ran into the bathroom to hide and luckily they didn't go looking. it seemed like they stayed for half an hour and I could hear them out there talking about the man show. and I was like, "what the..?? dude, I'm not that fucked up". but I guess they were cool. they carded everyone else in the house and told john that if the fire department ever showed up he'd be in deep shit.

jacque and I cleaned his house once for a pack of cigarettes. well, jacque cleaned it anyway. but I still got smokes, so whatever.
he lived with a bunch of scumbag dudes who never slept and some girl who worked at the texaco used to let them steal shit. one of them said that when he's coming down, he clips his toe nails and smokes them, cos he thinks thats where it all ends up.
and they had a "broom" made out of a poolstick and a carpet square.
...or maybe that was a mop.

you just need a good punch in the cunt

I've done pretty much nothing but shop for 2 days :|
I hate shopping, but I LOVE getting new shit! gotta take the good with the bad, y'know. and walmart was bad.
I saw my first (and last) walmart yesterday.. WHAT A PIT!!
they have fucking everything in there. its like a really ghetto fred meyer. I always thought I wanted to go there for some reason and now I know I was wrong. dead wrong.
but it was cheap, just like me.

speaking of cheap, I had a bottle of wine for breakfast. if you can even call it wine. it was bordering on malt liquor in my opinion. on the upside, that just meant I could drink faster :p

of course now that local gas prices have reached upward of $3/gallon, the car just mysteriously started working again. which totally fucking rocks cos I am done trying to take the bus to buy a bag. its inconvenient and difficult to be discreet on the ride home. plus I can go to jamba again! ..but after paying for the smoothies we'll probably have to push the damn car home.

but lucky me, ben & jerry's is within walking distance, and I've still got a half an hour before they close so I have to stop typing right now. bye.

no, I didn't delete your comments

check out tapeworms blog for the full story.

"ya hungry, girl?"

it is not cute to post entire flickr accounts of your double chin. seriously. but I wouldn't expect you to know that.
after all, I'd be surprised if you could see anything around that thing growing off your face (god, I hope it's malignant).
at first I was puzzled as to how a water buffalo like yourself got such an ego, but then I noticed that you surround yourself with nothing but dateless middle aged horse-faced bitches and you were the only one who'd managed to trick a man into marrying you.
I realize you don't have any children of your own to abuse and thats probably why you try to throw your (immense) weight around in any way you can with perfect strangers.

a suggestion if I might:
next time you're having a bad day, try running stairs instead of your mouth.

fuck you oprah ;)

"I take a bath in math" -xor444

I think tapeworms on the rag. hes been pretty crabby today but I chased him around the grocery store with the cart and ran over his heels a few times. that seemed to help :)
I smell like a goddamn hippie. I hugged the worm and now he stinks too. hehehh. I have these pants that keep riding up my butt and I was at best buy looking at some movies and nobody else was in that aisle so I just dug it out real quick-like and then I heard a bunch of giggling and I was like, "uh, whoops" and tried to act like I didn't give a shit but I felt pretty dumb, yo.

my little cousin grew boobs this summer and was flaunting them all over disneyland. she wasn't responding to subtlety so my mom said she told her she looked like a ho and bought her a tshirt to "cover up". haha..my mom is the coolest.

it is 6:30p and I've not gotten high all day long. I'm kinda proud of myself and I am not going to let the fact that I only woke up an hour and a half ago thwart this feeling of accomplishment.
in fact, I'm about to roll myself a celebratory spliff and smoke it all the way to the maha for some bogey and daal.
life is sweet, folks.

eat shit...and LIVE!

my keyboard has been queering offff and my ffffffffff button is sticking. ffffffffffffffffuck.
my mom got back from disneyland today and she brought me a shot glass and a magnet, so naturally I'm making good use :)

I know you're never gonna believe this, but I was rude to someone recently. and though it burns my eyes to even type such a thing..
I'M SORRY; I made a boo boo.
I talk faster than I think most of the time and I'm sure you can all attest to that :p for some reason I am always the last one to realize that I'm overreacting and its usually after I've done something waaaay out of line. it proves to be humbling at times.
still working on modesty, but its really not something I'm familiar with.

I keep thinking I hear someone trying to unlock my door. I've been super paranoid lately and I'd like to say its cos of all the insanely potent herb I came into, but I'd be bluffing; august ain't over yet and I'm sure it'll be october before things really pick up again. anyway, the truth is rents due in a week and I have no idea how its getting paid. I'm fucking up and I think my conscience is trying to scare me into action. hehehh...we'll see who wins.

I've basically been a big wad of suckage all weekend. well, weekend is kind of a relative term cos I don't work, so I just designate whatever part of the week that felt like a "weekend" to be the weekend. and this week that was yesterday and the two days before it. more than ever I feel like I am probably the only one reading this and thats good because I have a few things I think I should hear.
I read some crap once that said "you may have a fresh start any moment you choose" and I used it like a crutch to justify every bad decision I knew I was about to make. I may be the coolest person I know, but in actuality thats not saying much. I bet even nerdy people get big headed sometimes.

"that fuckin indian better win"

if I ever learn how to drive I'm gonna go to jamba juice and then maybe vegas. but thats a big IF.
driving is scary like sharing needles and screwing strangers without condoms. I'm not really sure it should be done.
danielle puts out a pretty good cock blog and if you chew on boots cos yer hungry that doesn't make it food.

matt said hes not gonna pit fight anymore but thats a bunch of crap; he'll be back.

you don't just quit pit fighting on a whim damnit.
its a cultural phenomenon.

in case you didn't know, myspace is the gay and I am the most unpopular piece of shit on there. I have like 5 friends and one of thems a goddamn band and another ones my boyfriend. raggedy ass 16 year olds send me friend requests and I deny them cos I'm trying to act all elitist, but in reality I'm just LAME.
ahahahahahah...fuck.
theres a cornucopia of words to describe the male genitalia and at the moment, I'm rather smitten with ndongo.
sounds kinda african, huh? well, it should.

britts dads a real ninja. his mom said "hes one of the twelve".
I think she meant men she had slept with that weekend, but he's pretty sure she was talking about ninjas.

ugh.. how many beers am I gonna need before my friends start to seem cool?

I am so retarded

for caramel cashew brazil nut ice cream with roasted almonds and a hazelnut fudge swirl!

damn right...mute your shit and then get ready to squeal....WAVY GRAVY is back!

if you managed to stay awake through 100 things carrie, you might remember #37.

apparently 17,363 other people felt the same way I did!
they're only selling it in scoop shops and its sposta be a limited time thing which sucks, but after 3 years with out my gravy I'm thrilled that I can even go pick up a cone at all!