analumination

my best friend taya brought some ear candles back from michigan. yer supposed to put them in your ears and light them and they suck out all the ear junk.

this dude jeff wanted to try them out so me and taya brought the shit to his house. then we thought it would be funny to take some table/dinner candles and tell jeff they were butt candles and we had him get down on his hands and knees in his room and we stuck one up his ass and lit it and damn near pissed ourselves laughing at him.

someone has been ouside my window with a jackhammer for like 7 hours tearing the street apart and the only thing more annoying than that is how I keep getting super ravenous and making a whole bunch of food and then having to throw it all out cos I'm all nauseous and extra not hungry as soon as its done. goddamnit.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PIGFUCKER!!!

its danielle's birthday. you should go wish her a happy 27th cos she fuckin rocks!

"I kick ass for the Lord!"

we waited until sunday to go to tonys and from before we could even get out of the car dude was already being a total sleazebag. plus there were about 3 trees left that were all 9ft tall so we went to target and got a fake one and now all the hippies are congratulating me on boycotting the slaughter of innocent trees.

I still havent decorated it or anything but whatever.

last night tapeworm and I went to dinner with my parents and his mom and I ended up starting a huge fight in the middle of the restaurant.

about half way through our meal some dude who looked like he spent more time on his hair than I did sat down like 2 tables away with his back facing us and repeatedly turned his entire body around in his seat to glare at my mom (who had made a comment about dentures. true, not something I consider appropriate "dinner conversation" either, but I also don't find eavesdropping and staring very polite). so I flashed him the warning look but he decided to press his luck.

several minutes later his (I'm assuming) girlfriend showed up and before long she joined in and the two of them were making no attempts at discretion. their conversation became louder. other people at my table had begun to notice them and I'd had enough so I looked over at them and I said "do you have something you want to say to me?" and she tried to get smart so I called her a raggedy ass cunt (hehehh) and that totally set her boyfriend off.

he got up and started coming toward our table so I stood up and I was back farthest to the wall trying to climb over tapeworm yelling "come outside then motherfucker!" and my dad was trying to push me back into my seat and the guy was like I'm not gonna fight you and I was like "then what the fuck are you standing up for?"

dude tried to get up in tapeworms face and tapeworm told him to sit down and eat his food. and thats exactly what he did.

I never actually got to hit anyone but it wasn't for lack of trying damnit. I figgered everyone was gonna be mad at me after we left but they still left me presents and my mom even thanked me for the dinner theatre :D

those cocksuckers still havent posted my grades and I'm about to get pissy

I just found out I've been spelling my name wrong for like 20 years. tapeworm has no tact at all when I need to point out something hilarious like a transvestite or a lactating woman and instead of paying attention he starts yelling "what did you say?" so that everyone is trying to hear me now and I'm like "are you doing this on purpose or are you just lame?"

he says tactless is talking shit about people right in front of them.

heh. touché.

we spent about 4 hours cleaning a third of the apartment today and there was no shame like finding french fries under the computer table. seriously there were like SIX MOTHERFUCKING FRIES down there! fuck I'm dirty.


this is my new list of things I want.
http://www.thethingsiwant.com/blogfart/list/stuff%2520I%2520want/

just in case you want to get me the unicorn impaler (NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED IT) or perhaps a bacon airfreshener (also kinda needing that).

oppressive convulsive

I checked the mail today like 4 times before I remembered its sunday and is probably not coming. tapeworm and I totally hate each other now. I have to write a few pages on an article I can't find so we got in a huge fight cos hes a larp douche.

here is an example of how I am of sub-par intelligence:

*anonymous* told me I should pee on my tits and I was like how the fuck? what with a hose or something? and he was like OR you could stand on your head and let it run down and I was like WHOA. that had totally not occurred to me dude.

homogeneously narcissistic

all the balconies on the whole building have christmas lights and garland everywhere and we've still got halloween decorations out.

its not just the blog;
I'm falling short all over.

I fell asleep in class tonight during the first 10 mins of an hour long video on construction and I woke up cos my stomach felt like it was about to rupture and I thought I had blown ass but I wasn't sure if it was me or part of the video.

my ugly friend nikki and I were on the same bus with shannon kringen and I was like HEY! the first time I ever watched your show I was flipping thru channels with my mom and you were pulling out your tampon!

maybe I overestimated her celebrity cos I thought she was way modest for being such a tv slut.

she gave me a pen and I left it at tapeworms house and he melted it stirring a bowl.
damnit.

candida ted fuck that shit

Congratulations, Carrie! You have been nominated for Best Comedic Blogsite award for the month of November at The Order of Brilliant Bloggers.

This is a grassroots organization of excellent bloggers who wish to acknowledge the excellence in blogging and photojournalism by others.

Voting for the award takes places from December 1st to December 5th at 11:59:59 PM in the comments for each section, and we encourage your readers to come and vote for you and any other blogs and posts they wish to recognize. Limit is 3 votes per category, one vote per post or site.

Thank you for you excellent work in enriching blogging, and for your indulgence in my tardy posting of your nomination!

Good luck!

dont bother to vote here

exceptional my ass

I've tried to date a girl once twice but quickly realized I wasn't very gay cos I freaked out everytime she tried to kiss me.


apparently my little cousin doesn't share my affliction.
yep. thats her with her gut hanging out of her shirt(?).
dude I don't even think this was halloween.

she posted this on myspace and I'm thinking of making a christmas card of it cos my grandparents have lived long enough.

shes always sending out bulletins like "if anyones in love with me then hit reply" or "message me if you wanna know why I was upset after lunch today".

I totally got robbed for my soda by a retard one time cos they came out of the sped portables and I was smoking outside of the gym and one of those mongo sonsa bitches yelled "MMM..POP!" and rushed up, grabbed my shit and started chugging it and they made him give it back and I was like "what the fuck?! I don't want it back!"

menstrual marinade

thanksgiving fuckin rocked. I started drinking champagne around 10a and managed to pass out twice before dinner. we watched the tom cruise end of the world movie and it was kinda okay until the robot spaceship things started coming up out of the ground and then it really started to blow. so I guess thats pretty much the whole movie. the worst of it was at the end when his emotionally retarded kids survived and I wanted to stab myself in the goddamn face but I just ate pie instead. plus I had to watch football and I think people were getting irritated with me cos I kept talking about how fat they all were. I hate having holidays at other peoples houses when I can't tell them to change the fucking channel or hole up in my room for bonghits. sharing is gay.

shit thats fucked

thursday before last tapeworm picked me up from school and drove into the taco time parking lot and I was like YAY! tacos! and when I got out of the car 2 men jumped out of the sidedoor of the van parked next to us and pulled me into the van with them.

I could see tapeworm talking to a woman and he got back in the car and drove away without a second look. the woman sat in the drivers seat and said they were taking me to my new home and I wouldn't be going back to my school and I was blindfolded so that I wouldn't be able to tell anyone where I was staying.

I spent 2 weeks scrubbing the floors of a 3 story house with a toothbrush. eating only every other day and forced to listen to hip hop radio.

this morning they came in my room early and told me to get dressed and bring my things outside and get in the van to go to school. I went to class with a suitcase of clothes and didn't talk to anyone. tapeworm picked me up after school like nothing had ever happened and I'm still not really sure what went down.




I opened up a cafepress store featuring art from my other blog.

its one stop shopping for the whole family. get your christmas orders in now!

"have you seen my baseball?"

britt is functionally obsolescent. today I baked a pie and got in a fight with a mexican girl at school.

some guy left me a voicemail about part time positions and money for school and I was like, hmm..I don't remember sending out any resumes but I wrote his number down anyhow and tapeworm said "so you thinking of joining the army?" and I was like huh? no not really and he said "whats this number for?" and I said "I dunno..someone called about part time work" and he was like, "um carrie, thats the army."

and I really thought his name was corporal. I am obviously a genius.

I'm fighting the urge to be petty right now and I can totally see why I don't do this often cos it really fucking sucks.

and this is a newt.

a manipulation of time and distance

the car doesn't work again. last night I ditched class for chinese food and bonghits. I don't think asian people like me.

I have watched tv almost everyday for a week and it makes me read a little bit faster when I think about the impending reward of television. I saw a commercial with some sweet little shitbag kid in it and I'm so glad cos it totally reminded me of all the reasons I pray to god I'm barren and lately with all the halloween crap everywhere and I'm too old to trick or treat I was actually thinking maybe I should have some.

tapeworms mad cos I told him we used to feed the bird teriyaki chicken. I know its fucked but I was 11 and it was damn funny then. even my mom did it.

a gov't assisted post by britt

had to file for unemployment today, works been a little slow, which means my bosses are jackoffs. when they dont get a job, it means i dont get a job. its a good thing I'm a good poker player, cos I make myself comfortable. for all of you who know what its like trying to get money from unemployment, I feel your pain. its like trying to pull teeth from a pissed off elephant, but there isnt enough sedative in the world to make me happy. a few more days on the couch, and I should gain about 30 more pounds. if you feel my pain, then you must be cool, and if you dont, go fuck yourself.