talk nerdy to me

yesterday tapeworm and I went to some old peoples house that smelled of sauerkraut and incontinence and I sat on their couch and demystified finance and got a pee rash or something and had to scratch myself a lot.

also we took tapes mom shopping and she rented get rich or die tryin and then spilled a rootbeer float in the car and didn't tell anybody.

my parents were here for like 5 mins saturday and my dad launched into a panic attack and totally stroked out for no reason. they are set on moving back to seattle now because they "miss me" and have some absurd expectation that I will want to come live with them again.

I have to go make tapeworm watch brokeback mountain now because I know how much he really doesn't want to watch it and the thought of seeing his little homophobic toes curl up when he sees cowboys touching each other is making me way excited.

things that suck:

not having my shoutbox anymore. so what if I ignored you I still liked it.

never knowing the names of any of the famous people I am trying to talk about.
..or when I assign them names that no one else knows. and also not even be able to tell you what show they're from or what movies they've been in. this is a real problem actually.

not being stoned enough. wait.. I can fix that!

having people live upstairs. especially the ones that live up there now and DID I TELL YOU that I went up there and she answered the door in her bra? I told you people before that I am an irresistably unattainable lesbian fantasy HOWEVER annoying me until I come upstairs and knock on your door to tell you that you have succeeded in irritating me just so you can try and throw all your lesbianation at me in one.. um, door answering.. just goes above and beyond the call of duty.
I am way easier than that.

dawsons creek only comes on once a day. I don't really give a shit what you people think about it, one is just never enough. how did I used to manage when it was only on ONCE A WEEK??????!!!! baffling. I am totally retarded for that show.

ugh this list sucks.

one time I almost lost my arm working a production line in a magnet factory. I was feeding sheets of magnet into 2 big rollers that pressed them to adhesive backed photos and my hand got caught for a second. there is a button to stop them, but that was not my first reaction. it was totally stressful.

"mama, I smoked the tv"

tapeworm has the crabbies. he says its just the heat but I think he secretly hates me and wants me to move out, only for some reason he is punishing himself so he keeps telling me I'm completely insane. when he washes the dishes he sprays water all over the kitchen and makes a huge mess and I know if I say anything about it he will just not do them anymore and he is actually flooding the kitchen with the exact intention that I will bitch and he will no longer have to do dishes.

my mom got a new dog. she had her last one euthanized because she thought it barked too much. also I am going to tell you all some riveting information via my textbook about why fat people are fat and can't not be fat because lets face it everyone hates them and thats just not nice cos well, they're people too apparently.

fat cells may increase in size and number when there is a positive energy balance. obese people have more fat cells than normal and they are also larger. when energy out exceeds energy in, their sizes dwindle, but not their number. people with extra fat cells tend to regain lost weight rapidly; with weight gain, their many fat cells readily fill.

In contrast, people with an average number of enlarged fat cells may be more successful in maintaining weight lost; when their cells shrink, both cell size and number are normal.

there are also more complex hormonal influences at work to make the fat cells of an obese person super efficient at storing fat as well but thats too much to blog and you get the point.

..this makes it rather obvious why "dieting" does not work-- the second you stop, those efficient fat cells win. the only changes worth making are those you can commit to lifelong ;)

breasticles!!!!!!!!!!!

my cousins brain exploded last year. she married some guy she met in narcotics anonymous. they had a lot in common, namely 8 children and cocaine.

she and I were both adopted and my family was never okay with me bringing home black guys but it was fine for her cos she was mexican (???????????) and they didn't feel that they could expect her to keep it white.

when I was in first grade, my teacher had us cut faces out of construction paper and put yarn hair on it and they were supposed to be our self portraits. somehow I was surprised when she asked me why I had chosen to use brown paper for my pale face and black yarn instead of yellow for my blonde hair.

I had like zero white friends and I begged my mom for months to let me wear my hair in braids like the girls down my block had. eventually she gave in and sectioned my hair up in like 5 ponytails and braided them and put 5 of my little clips in the bottoms to hold them in place and sent me off to school.
heh. I didn't quite fit in like I thought I would.

attractive nuisance

I used to hang out with this retarded girl named nikki when I was in highschool cos she smelled bad and had sandpaper face and well. I just looked really good standing next to her :D so yeah anyhow she pissed me off one day when I was at her house so I was gonna steal one of her cds while she was in the shower and when I was going thru them I found some shit she stole from me and I was like NUH UH BITCH!!!!!! and stole it right back. that cunt.

ugh saturday classes are gaaaaaaaaaaay. how can I be expected to read when there's so much beer in the world?

hi.

yesterday I told my mom I am having anxiety about getting old and she basically called me stupid. not that she's wrong but that wasn't exactly the consolation I was after. anyway I am about 5.5 years away from noticeable deterioration and that bothers me.

when I woke up my dvr was full and there was this whole overwhelming urgency about having to watch all my shows at once to make room for all my new shows to get recorded.
you don't know stress.

post

I was just thinking it was probably time I had posted something new.

HORK!

I hurt myself right promptly for nice weather and drinking.
well the drinking is not going to be affected really.
...and I guess neither is the weather.
but I am pretty sure something about that equation is going to be a bummer even if I can't put my finger on it right now.
OH and then I got sick (!!!!!!!!!!)
not like puking on myself and sleeping by the toilet sick;
this is all about sneezing bloody clumps of infection and disgust plus I can't hear myself talk and I want to jam q-tips in my ears until they work again.
stop acting like you give a shit.

I read that sleeping can alter the shape of your boobs and now I am SUPER PARANOID to lay down for fear that I may adversely affect my assets.

less fortunate than whoM?

my mom is being a total cunt and I have pretty much been extricated from the rest of my family because they are all insecure and intimidated by my genius and sheer earning power. I will be the most successful person they know soon and they totally hate that.

I have had a headache for about 4 months now and I think it might be a tumor or something equally tragic because I am feeling dramatic and I want it to be important.

for a minute today I was seriously considering volunteer work at a homeless youth organization I used to take advantage of and then I remembered that I totally HATE homeless people and the last thing I want to do is spend 20 thankless hours every week trying to help a bunch of losers who don't even care to help themselves. which made me question why I was considering it in the first place. and I think I associate that place with being irresponsible and having people coddle me for it. even tho being homeless sucks a lot, it is the ultimate vacation from life.

there is a noise war going on between me and the people upstairs and they are of course winning because all they have to do is run across the floor to be annoying and I have to actually stand on my furniture and beat the ceiling which is more inconvenient.

this is too much stress to have over something so insignificant but its also impossible to ignore people stomping and screaming and jumping off the furniture 24 hours a day. these people are totally fucked. if I had a basement I would hang myself in it. actually if I had a basement I wouldn't have to hang myself anymore because I probably couldn't hear them from down there. I would just have to only hang out in the basement from now on. which depending on how cool my basement was I may still want to hang myself in it.

I am kinda in a really shitty mood and everything I say sounds like whining and I am seriously starting to annoy myself.

OMG Y'ALL

I'm on 25 peeps!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay so actually I got tha boot. after just 2 days. I guess my face was just too butty. or you selfish fucks weren't clicking my links enough. what the fuck? (!!!!!!) tho not to worry; I've re-submitted another pic and I will probably just keep doing that forever until someone gets so tired of seeing my retarded pictures that they leave me comments mean enough to convince me not to do it anymore.


holy shit tapeworm got a job and I am being super bitter and totally not happy at all because now we will never see each other again really and I will also be responsible for getting myself to school. it feels like I am losing more than I'm gaining out of this.

I have 8 classes left until graduation. thats like 8 classes left until I have to grow up, too.

ugh that was so emo. I sound about 8 hours away from menstruation.

mein kolon

all my cousins totally hate me cos I've been way better than all of them since like, birth. plus I was the youngest and spent my whole first 7 years as a full time narc.

when I was 4 my cousin matt fed me like half a box of dog jerky and told me it was real beef jerky but I knew there was something wrong with it cos he was actually being nice and so I told my grandma and she got extra pissed and made him eat the whole rest of the pack.

when he was in 2nd grade he got lice so bad he plucked out all of his eyelashes. I never met his mom but I'm pretty sure she was a hooker.

he moved in with my aunt and her husband/his dad when he was like 10 but he was pretty much fucked from go and by the time he was 17 they'd finally had enough of him and were like, "get out" and so he and his scumbag friends would break into their house a whole bunch and steal everything and pawn it for heroin and he stole her car a few times and spent a good amount of time in jail.

I'm pretty sure he was gay. well his dad turned out to be anyhow. one time my aunt came home early from work and walked right into some kind of nazi meeting in her basement. he had swastikas hung on 3 walls and everyone was dressed in uniform.

when she filed for divorce, he had his hair dyed blonde cos he thought it was because he was starting to look old.

6 months after he moved out she found some unmarked videotapes and popped one in the vcr where she saw her ex-husband and a couple of his co-workers attempting to make their own amateur gay porn.

..I don't remember where I was going with this.

have you ever tried our sausages?

jorell has been sick for 2 and 1 half days and basically my life is so pathetic that I've had nothing else better to do than sit here and and whine about how I have no one to be gay with.


I brought my bike to my grandparents house for the weekend and my 76 year old grandpa decided to pull his tandem bicycle out of the shed and join me for a ride around the neighborhood.

we got about half way up the block and he stood up on his pedals as we came around the corner and then suddenly he circled back toward the house without saying a word, so I was like, "hey pops, did you forget something?" and he yelled back to me, "no.. damnit. I thought that was gonna be a fart"

jackalbutt

someone called me vain this week. even tho I can totally see why, and I don't really disagree, it just sounded so icky.
like when I see someone who's completely and inexplicably full of themselves and I'm like "heh, somebody lied to her".
only this time I was that girl. ME (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
ugh I'm still feeling a little emo about it.


my mom started a collection to guilt the welfare recipients of her trailer park into donating money to buy me towels cos I told her we'd been drying off with napkins and baby oil.

I'll spend $300 a week getting high but theres just no way I'm paying $50 for towels.

let my fucking hair drip.

chicks hate me

I got a friend request from tapeworms highschool girlfriend today on myspace. she is like 4 years older than me and we were never friends. obviously she is vying for my position and this was the warning shot. a slight annoyance but no cause for concern. I'm carrie damnit. and bear in mind, she has birthed children so yeah. she's shot.

I got super drunk last night and didn't go to sleep until 3 and had to get up at 6 this morning for an exam and had 4 shots of espresso on the way to class and pretty much had to take a shit the ENTIRE THREE HOURS I was testing.

also, I dont know what the major tragedy was yesterday but I'm gonna ask that you not sit in the goddamn BE shoutbox with your friends (or your enemies??!!?!! WTF?) and discuss ME(?!!) all day long.

..do it in the blogmad one :D

oh shit rofl

happy birthday dirtbag