"this one is loose cos I been smokin"

running in the sand makes my feet super dry. I hate the bathrooms on the beach cos people pee all over the floor in there and leave nasty used toilet paper everywhere. and I heard some boy got lestered in there once.

I've been thinking of getting a trampoline cos there might be people moving in downstairs and I bet they probably don't want to hear me jumprope up here but I've never had a trampoline before so I don't know if they are loud through the floor or if I can even jumprope on one.


I'm gonna go grind this up and roast it on the balcony.

I never said I was reasonable

last night, I quit blogging. then I broke up with tickles. again.

what prompted all this drama you ask?

hehehh. well, first we ran out of weed. then I was trying to figure out my coordinates to put up that gay little map you see down near the bottom of the sidebar and it kept saying I was in eastern mongolia. which really pissed me off. so I started whining. but tapeworm was in the kitchen doing dishes (I am such a cunt) so he couldn't hear me and I wasn't quite satisfied with that so I yelled for him to come in here and help me. he wasn't too thrilled about having dropped everything to rush out here and have me geeking out over some glitter in my sidebar, so he got all pissy.

in my frustration over trying to fix the effin' map, I totally forgot to eat. for a long time. in hindsight this was probably a hefty contributer to the problem. not just because I was most likely entering the coordinates backward but also cos I've been known to get a wee bit cranky when I'm hungry.

anyhoo..I flipped right the fuck out, yo. I told him he was selfish. I had just finished writing a new post and in my fit of rage I deleted it and announced that I was done with blogging.
and when he tried to put the events of the last few minutes in perspective for me, I refused to listen. I became so irritated that he would even suggest I had overreacted that I told him I didn't want to live with him anymore. I grabbed my pillow and headed for the couch.
I woke up at 5:30 this morning after some much needed sleep still feeling a little bitter and trying my damnedest to hold onto that justified feeling I fell asleep with.
no such luck. with every passing minute it became more clear that I had seriously fucked up. when I finally decided the time had come to just go in there and deal with the aftermath, he was laying in bed watching western movies. he gave me a big hug, apologized and asked if I still wanted to move out.

yes I realize I am an undeserving little shit.
I'm almost embarrassed to recount the past 12 hours on here, but I said to myself it just wouldn't be right for me to withhold the truth from the people of the internet. If all I ever told you about was kittens and rainbows and butt rock britt it would be misrepresentation. and I think you all deserve to know the "real" carrie.
that and if I don't like what you have to say I'll just delete it.

t.a.b.

I was laying on the couch with my pig and we both fell asleep and when I woke up he was eating my hair. and he wouldn't let go of it. I tried to raise my head and his tiny little front paws lifted off the couch.

tapeworm came in the kitchen while I was COOKING FOR HIM to put some dishes in the dishwasher (right behind me) and then left it open and when I backed away from the stove I fell over it and mangled my leg.
then he said, "oh, be careful!"

yeah, thanks.

I made him take me to dairy queen to make up for it and then we stopped off at butt rock britt's house to get a bag and that lazy son of a bitch has some reacher/grabber thing and he uses it for everything. his phone rang and instead of lifting his tubby ass off the couch he tried to pick it up with that shit and dropped it like 4 times.
missed his call.
I swear he has no shame at all. he was actually going to try to grab a glass of water with that shit but I was like put the tongs down, chubby; I'll hand it to you.

a couple nuggets you might not know...or care to know.

jane tagged me for this, but I'm not the tagging kind. so if you decide you want to snatch this up and make your own, please leave a comment so I can come by and read it.

10 years ago:

hmmm...july of 1995 I was 13. I spent most of my time sneaking cigarettes from my mother's purse and hiding in my room to smoke them. I watched bobby's world every morning and beavis and butthead every night. I lived in the hood. I listened to xraided and bone cos I was all ghetto. I played on a volleyball team and I got seriously nervous everytime a certain tall blonde boy with braces came to watch open practice.

5 years ago:

I was 18 in 2000. now that I could buy my own cigarettes, there was just no joy left in it so I kicked smoking and took up porn. especially midget and gay porn. I wore a lot of makeup. I still lived in the hood, but I was never home. none of my dumbass friends graduated. I tried to drive a granada. and failed miserably. tapeworm had just turned 21 and I couldn't hang out cos I was too young to go to the bar. and that totally ruined my summer.

1 year ago:

last summer I called in sick. a lot. in fact if my boss' sex life up to that point hadn't entirely consisted of stalking me, I'd have been canned long ago.
seriously, this guy was hanging out in my cubicle stroking my chair! while I was in it! and then it got worse and he was driving around my block obsessively and there's a turn lane in front of my apartment and he would STOP in it and stare up here! then I walked into my favorite bar one night and he was sitting in there. he lives in another city! I'm pretty sure he was listening to my phone calls and heard me say I was going there! working sucks.
anyhow...Tickles and I drove the cascade loop like every weekend and when that got old we went to cannon beach and ate fudge.

yesterday:

haha..I woke up at 7p. played with my piglet, smoked an assload of weed, blogged some, had a nap, ate a burrito, fought half life 2 for some of tapeworm's attention(..and lost!), made excellent use of the gravity bong, considered doing laundry but decided I prefer watermelon vodka and pink lemonade to clean clothes, used my great ingenuity to invent origami rocks, envied myself, bonghits, ice cream.

**note: I can't believe this. tapeworm says somebody already invented origami rocks. ugh, what the fuck? were they retarded?

5 snacks I enjoy:

apples and peanut butter
bananas and peanut butter
spoon and peanut butter
cracklin' oat bran (cereal)
morningstar corndog bites. or chik'n nuggets.

5 songs I know all the words to:

pigs on the wing 1
dogs
pigs (three different ones)
sheep
pigs on the wing 2

5 things I would do with 100 million:

I would invest almost all of it in real estate and then I'd spend the rest on
clothes
precor efx 546i
weed
and a haircut

5 locations I would like to run away to:

georgia
cannon beach
pennsylvania
dairy queen
lincoln park

5 bad habits I have:

potty mouth
eat with my hands resulting in #48
anti-social
outspoken
self-involved

5 things I like doing:

working out
reading blogs
getting high
singing poorly
eating pie

5 things I would never wear:

shirt
bra
pants
underwear
socks

5 tv shows I like:

curb your enthusiasm
sopranos
chappelle's show
viva la bam
good eats

5 biggest joys of the moment:

ben & jerry strawberry cheesecake
having a tapeworm
reading busblog
jane said "blogorrhea"
being almost done with this meme

5 favorite toys:

camera
pope snowglobe
the cubes
ipod
stinkor. I got him in 1986 and he still smells like butt

"You can use a gun. I'm not saying you can't use a gun. Just don't use the same gun twice."

Luke showers sparingly and lies without abandon.
he also fucks his sister.
(ugh. tapeworm says I shoulda left that part out, but this isn't his blog now is it?)

Luke thinks the crows are going to take over the world. he says he's seen them bury their dead.

he told me that mcdonalds puts stuff in the food to make people more susceptible to mind control and they're transmitting these "suggestions" through radio signals.

he also never leaves his house. for anything. and he makes food when people are at his house all stoned and hungry and he doesn't fucking share and THAT IS FUCKED.

he always has really fucking good weed hence the reason I still know him but he's stingy as fcuk. and everytime I type fcuk it comes out like fcuk and I'm just gonna go with that. y'know... I just realized that like everyone I know is extra stingy and I may have to tell them all what I think of that soon.

luke saw a sasquatch a few nights ago. this was like two and a half weeks after he saw spaceships flying overhead in discovery park and lost 4 hours of his life that he can't account for.

I think luke just knows he sucks really bad and the stories he makes up are cooler than anything else he has to say so he's like fuck it. but it's lame cos it never gets old to him and when you think you've finally gotten past that shit, he starts whopping it up again. he's pretty good at it though.

"it's either you or them, right?"

bob drove us to jamba juice and we passed some lady out walking her dog and bob said, "that's a cute ass dog."
back in the day bob wanted to be a pro wrestler and he was gonna call himself Triple B: the perfect drug "cos I'm that damn addictive"

me and tickles went to a metal show at the fenix and right as we were crossing the street to go inside a fucking bird shat on my shoulder. and then we ate barbecue.

ugh. I'm starving and we never have any good food around here. its all peanut butter and rice a roni. hmmm...actually, that is good food.

some asshole was outside at 7a today with a goddamn leaf blower. if I can find some silverware I'm gonna cut my hair later.

drunk ass pops

my dad is borderline retarded. he talks about the internet like it's an obscure middle eastern country. he watches nascar and chainsmokes and he eats half a stick of butter every morning. his favorite food is creamed corn. when I was like 8 we were coming back from a baseball game and I had one foot in the truck when he started to drive and I was screaming at him that I wasn't in the car and he drove almost a block before he heard me. when we got home he tried to make dinner and he dropped an aluminum pepper shaker on the burner and the whole house filled up with pepper gas. he shampoos his hair with bar soap. he "organizes" the ashtrays pushing all the ash to one side and neatly lining all the butts up on the other. he listens to really bad music with the treble all the way up. he yells into the phone. he makes stupid faces when he mows the lawn (seriously funny shit). he speaks in one word sentences and he bangs his pipe on the ashtray when he wants me to get him high.

it really pisses me off when the shampoo and conditioner don't get used up at the same time and I have to get new shampoo and use the old conditioner and it'll never match again.

"shit, if it's gonna be that kind of party, I'm gon stick my dick in the mashed potatoes"

I swear I never fucking sleep anymore. I was on the bus and it seemed like everybody was staring at me and I was like I bet they recognize me from my shitty blog and I got all paranoid so I turned around to look out the window and I totally spaced out and almost missed my stop.

the strap on my sandal broke when I stepped off the bus and I was trying to tuck it in so I wouldn't trip and fall on my goddamn face and when I stood up some dude was gawking and I was like, "..yeah?" and he said

"you are the most beautiful girl I've ever seen"

I was like, "uh, thanks" and even though I was mostly creeped the fuck out because he followed me off the bus, I was muy flattered.

bob is the gay

I tried to microwave a banana and it caught on fire.

a couple years ago at hempfest we were sitting in the grass getting fucked up and vajohnna got in a fight with 3 lesbians cos he kept saying homobowl.
he was like, "what? that's what it's called" but they wouldn't shut the fuck up so he started throwing ice cubes at them and told them they looked like a pack of hot dogs that got microwaved too long.


there was a postcard in the mailbox yesterday for the people who used to live here



A reminder that Sydney is now overdue for the following:

3/19/2005 Fecal Flotation

oops..

I told her I didn't want to come if he'd be there.

and she said, "I understand".

I'd like to say I was surprised when he grabbed my arm to say hello. motherfucker. I gave him the look I've been practicing for the last 7 months. duped. she had "sorry" in her eyes but that was not going to cut it.


"will you be needing separate checks?"

(me) "oh no. nikki, you'll be picking up my tab, right?"


30 minutes and 4 vodka tonics later, she'd nearly redeemed herself, until


(he) "hey carrie..Carrie. Carrie, I'm talking to you...CARRIE!"

(me) "FUCK. WHAT??! WHAT KEVIN? What the FUCK do you want?"


(he) blank stare.


(me) "this is bullshit; you made it perfectly clear that we have nothing to say to each other. don't try to act fake now because we're in a room full of people."

silence.

(he) "...I was just going to ask for my drink..it's..in your hand."

"am I being cool? cos I'm really trying to be cool right now" -- bob

today I got a letter from my school offering $7,878 in grants for the next 3 quarters. I just might end up with an education.

this guy I know named bob barker was looking at a picture of some naked chicks and he said "her boobs are almost as big as my mom's."

his uncle died from autoerotic asphyxiation. bob used to come over to raetard's place in the mornings and let us put dresses and makeup on him and take us to taco time.

bob is fucking cheap and he never has his own weed. except one time tickles and I went to his house to watch wrestlemania and he loaded up a stingy ass bowl so we were like hey bob hows about you stop being a pussy and load that bong and he started whining and his wife snatched his sack off the table and loaded up a fat bowl and told him he could have the rest next weekend. she fucking rocks.

and before you go rushing to bob's defense know this: anyone who has ever tried to side with bob has rescinded their sympathy.
bob is a pervert. he'll hump your dog's leg.

they don't all have to have titles, y'know...

my parents are coming for a visit. not to worry--I have drugs. it's not like we don't get along..but I prefer they stay on their side of the state. we really need that 5 hours between us.
I was thinking about cleaning my apartment but that's about as far as it usually goes. besides, that would probably just encourage them to stay longer.


I stayed up watching scary movies and now I don't want to go to sleep. I'm such a wuss.

ugh. wake up tapeworm; I'm bored.

I wore clothes almost the whole day today and I feel accomplished. butt rock britt came over yesterday. this fool shows up at like 11am talking about, "where's the liquor at?" all I had was some 151 left over from making flaming dr peppers awhile back and he's hitting straight off the bottle.
ick.
and he always talks shit because I'm eating sugary crap everytime he sees me and that pisses me off damnit. I eat candy motherfucker. he talks himself up and he lies about dumb things but I secretly don't like him cos once he told me I didn't know anything about life.
the truth is I like who he used to be

but now he's just butt rock. and he's not down for the cause. and he bores me. and one time he said that he was "in a papa roach mood" and I knew right then we could never really be friends again.

I usually go to bed when the sun is peeking through the shades and the birds are singing in the tree outside my window but tonight I was like fuck sleep so I came here to see what sort of retarded shit I had to say. I made some new blogs recently and now I'm thinking...I don't even have anything worthwhile to say here, what the hell did I want to say over there?

fucking oprah

is doing a show on wednesday entitled

"Ricky Martin Travels to Meet Tsunami Orphans"

the caption says

"Three years ago, he walked off the stage. Now, singer Ricky Martin is on an urgent mission: Our cameras follow him inside the tsunami zone."

I'm not really into current events. apparently oprah isn't either.

28 pieces of me

every 4th of July my mom and I used to pull out the fold up card table and put together a 500 piece jigsaw puzzle. I think the idea behind it was to keep me busy (because I was so excited about lighting fireworks I could hardly sit still and I was driving them nuts!) but those still go down as some of the best times spent with my mom.
I figured you guys were probably too lazy for 500 pieces, so here's a small one I made today:






this puzzle can also be found here if it's not loading right on this blog.