let them eat carrie

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Carrie!

1. The first carrie was made in 1853, and had no pedals!
2. Marie Antoinette never said 'let them eat cake' - this is a mistranslation of 'let them eat carrie'.
3. If carrie was life size, she would stand 7 ft 2 inches tall and have a neck twice the size of a human.
4. To check whether carrie is safe to eat, drop her in a bowl of water; rotten carrie will sink, and fresh carrie will float!
5. There are six towns named carrie in the United States.
6. Carrie is 1500 years older than the pyramids.
7. Some people in Malaysia bathe their babies in beer to protect them from carrie!
8. On average, women blink nearly twice as much as carrie.
9. Half a cup of carrie contains only seventeen calories.
10. Moles are able to tunnel through 300 feet of carrie in a day.

I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

ask carrie

Hi Carrie,

I find your non-convention life to be very interesting! I really admire your determination to live life as you see fit, and not cave into the will of others.

Last year my boyfriend and I decided to embark on a "trial separation". We originally planned to do this for only 2 months, however the months kept going by, and it now has become a year. I think neither of us had the courage to make a final decision.

We have remained friends all this time, however we do not live together anymore, and I know I am no longer aware of everything that goes on in his life. I believed we had an unspoken rule about not dating anyone else. And I've kept that promise; recently I've come to suspect he is seeing someone. While I know I don't own him anymore, I do feel hurt as if this new relationship of his is cheating on me. I really want to get married and have children, and I feel that he would be the perfect father. I am not sure how to approach him and let him know that I still am madly in love with him. I want to confront his new girlfriend and explain to her what she is trying to wreck, but I'm afraid it will drive him away from me forever when he finds out. I'm really at a loss on what to do!

Ash





thats because people like you never want to accept that the answer doesn't necessarily involve getting what you want.
Ima put it to you blunt Ash, cos I know you thats why you came to me in the first place.

a year is a long ass time and I think you're kidding yourself if you think he is sitting around playing convent with you.
Im assuming that this separation is something he initiated because
a) you're presenting it as if it were a mutual thing and well, it just never is,
b) I think you'd feel less reluctant to "make a final decision" if you'd actually been a part of the original decision, and
c) you conveniently left out the part about how long you'd been together. which leads me to believe it was probably less than a year and you just didn't want to mention that because it takes credence away from all that fluff you've been filling your head with.

normally this is where I'd have to preface my next statement with all that "I don't really know you guys" jazz, but in this case I feel like you've actually projected a fairly accurate portrayal;
your EX boyfriend is a pussy.
there is one line of your email that stands out to me:

"..neither of us had the courage to make a final decision."

this line alone proves that you are simply in denial. this was your own speculation! you had the answer all along but instead of facing it head on you choose to further delude yourself. that line should have read:

"HE didn't have the courage to PRESENT a final decision."

as obviously, from your account, he has made one. as far as you trying to involve yourself in his new relationship, leave it alone.
you can only change a relationship you're party to. any interference from you will only work to your detriment.

don't let your biological clock cloud your logic; any man who needs a 2 month break from you before theres even any kids in the mix is not cut out for fatherhood. in essence, he did you a favor by making that clear before it was too late.

vivacious ass

tonight the korean burger lady said she thinks of me as more than just a customer. shes pretty much still just gonna be the burger lady to me. it was cute tho.

I almost spent $80 on a new case because I had a dirty fan. tapeworm thought cleaning it might be a more novel approach so we spent $6 on compressed air instead. I played with video ipods whilst waiting for tapeworm to check out and some haggard fossil came up and put his fucking hand on my ass. DUDE. and when I turned around and SAW HIM I almost cried.

I went to bed early cos tapeworm was acting all bitchy and emo last night and when I woke up I was still totally pissed so I just decided to go with it and that meant I had to take the bus to school which was basically like punishing myself because downtown smells like pee and there is no way to avoid waiting half an hour for the bus to show up and it was like 20 degrees outside.


he really needs to not piss me off when I've got shit to do damnit.

I hope god wasn't looking...

the bastard asked for 5 random facts about me.
apparently I interpreted "random" as "twisted".

update: and because fruey of let's have it did not find my mullet to be very rock n roll, he's requested a BONUS RANDOM ROCK N ROLL FACT.

update 2: I changed my mind and I've relieved one lucky blogger of their meming obligations and I'm challenging semi-anonymous commentor jx to pick up the slack (you dont have to link your blog but it'd be cool if you played along in the comments).


1. I got in the backseat of tapeworms car so my best friend could give him a blowjob.


2. I didn't eat rice for like 10 years because I ate some chinese food in my room one time and I put the half eaten plate under my bed and forgot about it for a few weeks and when I found it again all the rice was crawling around on the plate. and I made my mom clean it up.


3. when I was 8 I had a mullet and wore shoes without socks or laces and hypercolor tshirts and fluorescent pink spandex pants like everyday. ugh. I was such an anomaly.


4. I gave my phone number out twice using irc in the school library for the first time. the first caller I could tell was a bit older than myself and polite but whacked off in my ear nonetheless. he called again the next day and after that I told him it was probably best that he not make a habit of it and he agreed to move on.
the second guy was not so easily persuaded. his voice was super nasally and he called several times a day and all he ever wanted to do was talk about my feet and so I'd be like dude, dont call me anymore but he was like "I can tell you have really nice feet and I need to talk to you carrie. please. I love you." and I'd hang up and panic cos I lived with my parents and they woulda killed me if they answered the phone to some creeped out old dude trying to talk to their 14 year old daughter.
I had my friend taya over after school one day and she answered the phone and I knew right away who she was talking to by the sudden change in her voice. I told her to hand me the phone but she ignored me and continued talking. a few seconds later she yelled "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU NEED TO KNOW THAT FOR?!" and I was like oh shit and she said "NO FUCK YOU. CARRIE DOESN'T WEAR PANTIES. WE WEAR UNDERWEAR GODDAMNIT. I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU"
he didn't call anymore after that.


5. me and my friend faye made 2 boys jerk off for meth.


6. tapeworm took me to the paramount to see slayer and I ran into his exgirlfriend having a cigarette in the lobby. she had a ground level wristband and when she found out I was there with him she got all excited about wanting to see him so I let her trade me her wristband :D for my ticket so they could do some catching up and I could try to wedge myself up next to the stage. it totally fucking rocked. some creepy looking guy standing behind me was tying off and I got scared that someone might push him and he'd miss and stab me in the back with his HIV needle so I pushed forward and spent the remainder of the show just far back enough to avoid serious injury. when the show was over I met up with a less than impressed tickles tapeworm outside the front doors. I think he actually smoked a bowl in front of me. like without passing.
in fact, reading this is probably going to piss him off all over again :)


and I'm tagging...
tapeworm, jorell, jx, jennifer
and the FRESHLY IMPREGNATED danielle

thats right!! danielle's knocked up! get over there and send your condolences

gag on my cock ass sex

tapeworm drank like half a bottle of sauza last night and started accusing me of stealing things. even tho we live together. I threatened to push him off the balcony and right after that I heard the neighbors downstairs on their balcony go shhhhhhhhh and I pretty much spent the rest of the morning waiting for the cops to knock on the door.

I woke up around 3p in the middle of a dream that some people I didn't know were driving me to the house my sister killed herself in and I think I was trying to cry but I just ended up waking myself up cos I was breathing extra loud and making weird throat noises.

I've been thinking I want to cut my own hair even tho I know I'll do a shitty job and probably seriously fuck it up but I dont like to make reservations because I dont want to have to deal with the anxiety of trying to be somewhere at a specific time.

analumination

my best friend taya brought some ear candles back from michigan. yer supposed to put them in your ears and light them and they suck out all the ear junk.

this dude jeff wanted to try them out so me and taya brought the shit to his house. then we thought it would be funny to take some table/dinner candles and tell jeff they were butt candles and we had him get down on his hands and knees in his room and we stuck one up his ass and lit it and damn near pissed ourselves laughing at him.

someone has been ouside my window with a jackhammer for like 7 hours tearing the street apart and the only thing more annoying than that is how I keep getting super ravenous and making a whole bunch of food and then having to throw it all out cos I'm all nauseous and extra not hungry as soon as its done. goddamnit.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PIGFUCKER!!!

its danielle's birthday. you should go wish her a happy 27th cos she fuckin rocks!

"I kick ass for the Lord!"

we waited until sunday to go to tonys and from before we could even get out of the car dude was already being a total sleazebag. plus there were about 3 trees left that were all 9ft tall so we went to target and got a fake one and now all the hippies are congratulating me on boycotting the slaughter of innocent trees.

I still havent decorated it or anything but whatever.

last night tapeworm and I went to dinner with my parents and his mom and I ended up starting a huge fight in the middle of the restaurant.

about half way through our meal some dude who looked like he spent more time on his hair than I did sat down like 2 tables away with his back facing us and repeatedly turned his entire body around in his seat to glare at my mom (who had made a comment about dentures. true, not something I consider appropriate "dinner conversation" either, but I also don't find eavesdropping and staring very polite). so I flashed him the warning look but he decided to press his luck.

several minutes later his (I'm assuming) girlfriend showed up and before long she joined in and the two of them were making no attempts at discretion. their conversation became louder. other people at my table had begun to notice them and I'd had enough so I looked over at them and I said "do you have something you want to say to me?" and she tried to get smart so I called her a raggedy ass cunt (hehehh) and that totally set her boyfriend off.

he got up and started coming toward our table so I stood up and I was back farthest to the wall trying to climb over tapeworm yelling "come outside then motherfucker!" and my dad was trying to push me back into my seat and the guy was like I'm not gonna fight you and I was like "then what the fuck are you standing up for?"

dude tried to get up in tapeworms face and tapeworm told him to sit down and eat his food. and thats exactly what he did.

I never actually got to hit anyone but it wasn't for lack of trying damnit. I figgered everyone was gonna be mad at me after we left but they still left me presents and my mom even thanked me for the dinner theatre :D

those cocksuckers still havent posted my grades and I'm about to get pissy

I just found out I've been spelling my name wrong for like 20 years. tapeworm has no tact at all when I need to point out something hilarious like a transvestite or a lactating woman and instead of paying attention he starts yelling "what did you say?" so that everyone is trying to hear me now and I'm like "are you doing this on purpose or are you just lame?"

he says tactless is talking shit about people right in front of them.

heh. touché.

we spent about 4 hours cleaning a third of the apartment today and there was no shame like finding french fries under the computer table. seriously there were like SIX MOTHERFUCKING FRIES down there! fuck I'm dirty.


this is my new list of things I want.
http://www.thethingsiwant.com/blogfart/list/stuff%2520I%2520want/

just in case you want to get me the unicorn impaler (NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED IT) or perhaps a bacon airfreshener (also kinda needing that).

oppressive convulsive

I checked the mail today like 4 times before I remembered its sunday and is probably not coming. tapeworm and I totally hate each other now. I have to write a few pages on an article I can't find so we got in a huge fight cos hes a larp douche.

here is an example of how I am of sub-par intelligence:

*anonymous* told me I should pee on my tits and I was like how the fuck? what with a hose or something? and he was like OR you could stand on your head and let it run down and I was like WHOA. that had totally not occurred to me dude.

homogeneously narcissistic

all the balconies on the whole building have christmas lights and garland everywhere and we've still got halloween decorations out.

its not just the blog;
I'm falling short all over.

I fell asleep in class tonight during the first 10 mins of an hour long video on construction and I woke up cos my stomach felt like it was about to rupture and I thought I had blown ass but I wasn't sure if it was me or part of the video.

my ugly friend nikki and I were on the same bus with shannon kringen and I was like HEY! the first time I ever watched your show I was flipping thru channels with my mom and you were pulling out your tampon!

maybe I overestimated her celebrity cos I thought she was way modest for being such a tv slut.

she gave me a pen and I left it at tapeworms house and he melted it stirring a bowl.
damnit.

candida ted fuck that shit

Congratulations, Carrie! You have been nominated for Best Comedic Blogsite award for the month of November at The Order of Brilliant Bloggers.

This is a grassroots organization of excellent bloggers who wish to acknowledge the excellence in blogging and photojournalism by others.

Voting for the award takes places from December 1st to December 5th at 11:59:59 PM in the comments for each section, and we encourage your readers to come and vote for you and any other blogs and posts they wish to recognize. Limit is 3 votes per category, one vote per post or site.

Thank you for you excellent work in enriching blogging, and for your indulgence in my tardy posting of your nomination!

Good luck!

dont bother to vote here

exceptional my ass

I've tried to date a girl once twice but quickly realized I wasn't very gay cos I freaked out everytime she tried to kiss me.


apparently my little cousin doesn't share my affliction.
yep. thats her with her gut hanging out of her shirt(?).
dude I don't even think this was halloween.

she posted this on myspace and I'm thinking of making a christmas card of it cos my grandparents have lived long enough.

shes always sending out bulletins like "if anyones in love with me then hit reply" or "message me if you wanna know why I was upset after lunch today".

I totally got robbed for my soda by a retard one time cos they came out of the sped portables and I was smoking outside of the gym and one of those mongo sonsa bitches yelled "MMM..POP!" and rushed up, grabbed my shit and started chugging it and they made him give it back and I was like "what the fuck?! I don't want it back!"

menstrual marinade

thanksgiving fuckin rocked. I started drinking champagne around 10a and managed to pass out twice before dinner. we watched the tom cruise end of the world movie and it was kinda okay until the robot spaceship things started coming up out of the ground and then it really started to blow. so I guess thats pretty much the whole movie. the worst of it was at the end when his emotionally retarded kids survived and I wanted to stab myself in the goddamn face but I just ate pie instead. plus I had to watch football and I think people were getting irritated with me cos I kept talking about how fat they all were. I hate having holidays at other peoples houses when I can't tell them to change the fucking channel or hole up in my room for bonghits. sharing is gay.

shit thats fucked

thursday before last tapeworm picked me up from school and drove into the taco time parking lot and I was like YAY! tacos! and when I got out of the car 2 men jumped out of the sidedoor of the van parked next to us and pulled me into the van with them.

I could see tapeworm talking to a woman and he got back in the car and drove away without a second look. the woman sat in the drivers seat and said they were taking me to my new home and I wouldn't be going back to my school and I was blindfolded so that I wouldn't be able to tell anyone where I was staying.

I spent 2 weeks scrubbing the floors of a 3 story house with a toothbrush. eating only every other day and forced to listen to hip hop radio.

this morning they came in my room early and told me to get dressed and bring my things outside and get in the van to go to school. I went to class with a suitcase of clothes and didn't talk to anyone. tapeworm picked me up after school like nothing had ever happened and I'm still not really sure what went down.




I opened up a cafepress store featuring art from my other blog.

its one stop shopping for the whole family. get your christmas orders in now!