analumination

my best friend taya brought some ear candles back from michigan. yer supposed to put them in your ears and light them and they suck out all the ear junk.

this dude jeff wanted to try them out so me and taya brought the shit to his house. then we thought it would be funny to take some table/dinner candles and tell jeff they were butt candles and we had him get down on his hands and knees in his room and we stuck one up his ass and lit it and damn near pissed ourselves laughing at him.

someone has been ouside my window with a jackhammer for like 7 hours tearing the street apart and the only thing more annoying than that is how I keep getting super ravenous and making a whole bunch of food and then having to throw it all out cos I'm all nauseous and extra not hungry as soon as its done. goddamnit.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PIGFUCKER!!!

its danielle's birthday. you should go wish her a happy 27th cos she fuckin rocks!

"I kick ass for the Lord!"

we waited until sunday to go to tonys and from before we could even get out of the car dude was already being a total sleazebag. plus there were about 3 trees left that were all 9ft tall so we went to target and got a fake one and now all the hippies are congratulating me on boycotting the slaughter of innocent trees.

I still havent decorated it or anything but whatever.

last night tapeworm and I went to dinner with my parents and his mom and I ended up starting a huge fight in the middle of the restaurant.

about half way through our meal some dude who looked like he spent more time on his hair than I did sat down like 2 tables away with his back facing us and repeatedly turned his entire body around in his seat to glare at my mom (who had made a comment about dentures. true, not something I consider appropriate "dinner conversation" either, but I also don't find eavesdropping and staring very polite). so I flashed him the warning look but he decided to press his luck.

several minutes later his (I'm assuming) girlfriend showed up and before long she joined in and the two of them were making no attempts at discretion. their conversation became louder. other people at my table had begun to notice them and I'd had enough so I looked over at them and I said "do you have something you want to say to me?" and she tried to get smart so I called her a raggedy ass cunt (hehehh) and that totally set her boyfriend off.

he got up and started coming toward our table so I stood up and I was back farthest to the wall trying to climb over tapeworm yelling "come outside then motherfucker!" and my dad was trying to push me back into my seat and the guy was like I'm not gonna fight you and I was like "then what the fuck are you standing up for?"

dude tried to get up in tapeworms face and tapeworm told him to sit down and eat his food. and thats exactly what he did.

I never actually got to hit anyone but it wasn't for lack of trying damnit. I figgered everyone was gonna be mad at me after we left but they still left me presents and my mom even thanked me for the dinner theatre :D

those cocksuckers still havent posted my grades and I'm about to get pissy

I just found out I've been spelling my name wrong for like 20 years. tapeworm has no tact at all when I need to point out something hilarious like a transvestite or a lactating woman and instead of paying attention he starts yelling "what did you say?" so that everyone is trying to hear me now and I'm like "are you doing this on purpose or are you just lame?"

he says tactless is talking shit about people right in front of them.

heh. touché.

we spent about 4 hours cleaning a third of the apartment today and there was no shame like finding french fries under the computer table. seriously there were like SIX MOTHERFUCKING FRIES down there! fuck I'm dirty.


this is my new list of things I want.
http://www.thethingsiwant.com/blogfart/list/stuff%2520I%2520want/

just in case you want to get me the unicorn impaler (NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED IT) or perhaps a bacon airfreshener (also kinda needing that).

oppressive convulsive

I checked the mail today like 4 times before I remembered its sunday and is probably not coming. tapeworm and I totally hate each other now. I have to write a few pages on an article I can't find so we got in a huge fight cos hes a larp douche.

here is an example of how I am of sub-par intelligence:

*anonymous* told me I should pee on my tits and I was like how the fuck? what with a hose or something? and he was like OR you could stand on your head and let it run down and I was like WHOA. that had totally not occurred to me dude.

homogeneously narcissistic

all the balconies on the whole building have christmas lights and garland everywhere and we've still got halloween decorations out.

its not just the blog;
I'm falling short all over.

I fell asleep in class tonight during the first 10 mins of an hour long video on construction and I woke up cos my stomach felt like it was about to rupture and I thought I had blown ass but I wasn't sure if it was me or part of the video.

my ugly friend nikki and I were on the same bus with shannon kringen and I was like HEY! the first time I ever watched your show I was flipping thru channels with my mom and you were pulling out your tampon!

maybe I overestimated her celebrity cos I thought she was way modest for being such a tv slut.

she gave me a pen and I left it at tapeworms house and he melted it stirring a bowl.
damnit.

candida ted fuck that shit

Congratulations, Carrie! You have been nominated for Best Comedic Blogsite award for the month of November at The Order of Brilliant Bloggers.

This is a grassroots organization of excellent bloggers who wish to acknowledge the excellence in blogging and photojournalism by others.

Voting for the award takes places from December 1st to December 5th at 11:59:59 PM in the comments for each section, and we encourage your readers to come and vote for you and any other blogs and posts they wish to recognize. Limit is 3 votes per category, one vote per post or site.

Thank you for you excellent work in enriching blogging, and for your indulgence in my tardy posting of your nomination!

Good luck!

dont bother to vote here

exceptional my ass

I've tried to date a girl once twice but quickly realized I wasn't very gay cos I freaked out everytime she tried to kiss me.


apparently my little cousin doesn't share my affliction.
yep. thats her with her gut hanging out of her shirt(?).
dude I don't even think this was halloween.

she posted this on myspace and I'm thinking of making a christmas card of it cos my grandparents have lived long enough.

shes always sending out bulletins like "if anyones in love with me then hit reply" or "message me if you wanna know why I was upset after lunch today".

I totally got robbed for my soda by a retard one time cos they came out of the sped portables and I was smoking outside of the gym and one of those mongo sonsa bitches yelled "MMM..POP!" and rushed up, grabbed my shit and started chugging it and they made him give it back and I was like "what the fuck?! I don't want it back!"

menstrual marinade

thanksgiving fuckin rocked. I started drinking champagne around 10a and managed to pass out twice before dinner. we watched the tom cruise end of the world movie and it was kinda okay until the robot spaceship things started coming up out of the ground and then it really started to blow. so I guess thats pretty much the whole movie. the worst of it was at the end when his emotionally retarded kids survived and I wanted to stab myself in the goddamn face but I just ate pie instead. plus I had to watch football and I think people were getting irritated with me cos I kept talking about how fat they all were. I hate having holidays at other peoples houses when I can't tell them to change the fucking channel or hole up in my room for bonghits. sharing is gay.

shit thats fucked

thursday before last tapeworm picked me up from school and drove into the taco time parking lot and I was like YAY! tacos! and when I got out of the car 2 men jumped out of the sidedoor of the van parked next to us and pulled me into the van with them.

I could see tapeworm talking to a woman and he got back in the car and drove away without a second look. the woman sat in the drivers seat and said they were taking me to my new home and I wouldn't be going back to my school and I was blindfolded so that I wouldn't be able to tell anyone where I was staying.

I spent 2 weeks scrubbing the floors of a 3 story house with a toothbrush. eating only every other day and forced to listen to hip hop radio.

this morning they came in my room early and told me to get dressed and bring my things outside and get in the van to go to school. I went to class with a suitcase of clothes and didn't talk to anyone. tapeworm picked me up after school like nothing had ever happened and I'm still not really sure what went down.




I opened up a cafepress store featuring art from my other blog.

its one stop shopping for the whole family. get your christmas orders in now!

"have you seen my baseball?"

britt is functionally obsolescent. today I baked a pie and got in a fight with a mexican girl at school.

some guy left me a voicemail about part time positions and money for school and I was like, hmm..I don't remember sending out any resumes but I wrote his number down anyhow and tapeworm said "so you thinking of joining the army?" and I was like huh? no not really and he said "whats this number for?" and I said "I dunno..someone called about part time work" and he was like, "um carrie, thats the army."

and I really thought his name was corporal. I am obviously a genius.

I'm fighting the urge to be petty right now and I can totally see why I don't do this often cos it really fucking sucks.

and this is a newt.

a manipulation of time and distance

the car doesn't work again. last night I ditched class for chinese food and bonghits. I don't think asian people like me.

I have watched tv almost everyday for a week and it makes me read a little bit faster when I think about the impending reward of television. I saw a commercial with some sweet little shitbag kid in it and I'm so glad cos it totally reminded me of all the reasons I pray to god I'm barren and lately with all the halloween crap everywhere and I'm too old to trick or treat I was actually thinking maybe I should have some.

tapeworms mad cos I told him we used to feed the bird teriyaki chicken. I know its fucked but I was 11 and it was damn funny then. even my mom did it.

a gov't assisted post by britt

had to file for unemployment today, works been a little slow, which means my bosses are jackoffs. when they dont get a job, it means i dont get a job. its a good thing I'm a good poker player, cos I make myself comfortable. for all of you who know what its like trying to get money from unemployment, I feel your pain. its like trying to pull teeth from a pissed off elephant, but there isnt enough sedative in the world to make me happy. a few more days on the couch, and I should gain about 30 more pounds. if you feel my pain, then you must be cool, and if you dont, go fuck yourself.

fuck blogging

I havent gotten stoned in TWO FUCKING DAYS. I can't sleep, I'm not hungry :O and my brain feels like its trying to outgrow my skull.


tapeworm and I walked past a cat eating a huge pile of puke in the parking lot of QFC. it was possibly the best/worst thing I've ever seen. I was totally about to yakk at first but then I decided not to cos maybe he was eating the puke in an attempt to get other people to puke so that he could have even more puke to eat. its a twisted cycle and it had to be stopped.

this morning I slammed my right boob in the bathroom door. tapeworm heard the screams and came running in and when I told him what happened he looked at me like I had just won the special olympics. I wasn't even (that) drunk.

I kinda fucked off all week and now I have a shitastic assload of assignments to catch up on so I'm going on a brief hiatus to focus on the gayety that is school. in an effort to make it appear less like abandoning the internet, I've coerced talked butt rock britt into doing some substitute blogging in my absence.

and what the hell does it mean when someone says "like a fart in a windstorm"??

another shitty night

a guest post by britt

tonight I asked myself, as a supervisor for a demolition company why is it that I have to employ the dumbest drunkest most fucked up individuals that this wretched city has to offer?

once in a while I get a good one but for the most part its like buying a box of rancid apples. you tell them to do something over and over the second you turn your back on them its like you never said anything in the fucking first place.

I don't know how much longer I can take it before I pick up the largest crowbar in my tool room and beat everyone of those fuckers within and inch of their lives.
this is me. this is my life. this is my job.

ps. go fuck yourself

"mama, I smoked the TV"

its just come to my attention that I have NO FUCKING CLUE whats going on in the world. like at all dude.
oprah is killing me. she keeps sending me these goddamn cliffhanger emails and the only way to find out what it all means is to actually turn on the tv.
you can't even go to her website to find out about yesterdays shit. is it just me or is that totally fucked?

aparently there was some important shit being said in the midst of all that thigh rubbing cos I botched my pop quiz tonight. feh. economics is for boys.

when someone not limited to but including tickles tapeworm gets on the phone I HAVE to keep talking and asking questions the whole time to try and solve the who are you talking to and why mystery and even when they try to cover their ear I just get louder and more demanding. I am so fucking annoying its almost unbelievable.

beware.. the enemy is lurking

danielle picked me some cotton! from a cotton field. it doesn't grow on trees it comes from bushes. but everyone knows that already because otherwise it wouldn't make sense for the living to be easy when the cotton is high.


I've never seen a cotton field or a cotton bush or anything and I keep expecting some weird little alabama cotton bug to come crawling out of it.

I kinda expect bugs to come crawling out of everything really.

I picked some little yellow flowers out of my neighbors yard once and some of the petals started crawling up my arm and the whole bush came alive with tiny yellow spiders that looked just like the flowers and I went totally spastic.

I want some goddamn happy hour fish and chips but the only way I can make it to happy hour anymore is if I show up to class drunk. and though it sounds somewhat more appealing than going to class sober, its still a really bad idea.

**********************

someone from my parents village was on my blog tonight. theres only like 12 of you fuckin townies and I'm prepared to kill you all if I get any grief over this fucking blog so think twice before you go nosing around in my business fuckers.
you too mom.

I was gonna try and hide from tapeworm tonight under the bed but he walked in and caught me crawling under there all super stealthily and he said, "carrie, what are you doing?" and I was like, "uh..hiding".


class was cancelled so I went to get the ticklet worn out of the library so we could leave and the desk wench looked all dotingly at us and said, "awww...you got to come to school with daddy today, huh?"

last night I dreamt I was living with my parents in a house with no furniture and they kept trying to invite my friends over to feed them chunks of broken glass and I was like, "DUDE could you guys like not kill my friends anymore?"

my economics professor sits on his desk and rubs the insides of his thighs as he talks about I have no clue what cos I'm too concerned with the thigh rubbing.


in case you've been trying to decide what to get me for my birthday on november 3...

<--- I want #5


and if you really love me, you'll get it signed ;)

"chickens are fo' wankers"

my mom got me some nads and I tried to "wax" my pubes off with it and I ripped the cloth off the wrong way and it immediately bruised up and drops of blood were forming around the follicles but no hair came off. so of course I tried it again.

I've been braising things which pretty much eliminates the need to chew and thats fine with me cos its one less thing, y'know. I totally freaked and thought I missed thanksgiving today cos I guess I've been reading canadian blogs and I totally didn't know they had their own thanksgiving.
like a true american, I sometimes forget theres other countries besides the united states.

I saw a cartoon with 30 foot penis monsters flying around raping 13 year old girls. what the fuck is wrong with the japanese?

like porn without the chicks

my commercial art teacher used to brag about having flunked jimi hendrix. I was like half finished with my portfolio and I had to transfer out of his class cos he grabbed my boob.

2 penny jenny showed up to the maha and tapeworm and britt were like "you are soo rude. she came over here just to talk to you and you totally ignored her" and I was like, DUDE. I said hello. what the fuck am I supposed to start flipping cartwheels and grinding my barstool over it?
I need to find new bars where they keep the walls in the same place every night cos I took a quick turn to use the restroom but now theres a wall where the hallway used to go and I walked straight into it like a fuckin rockstar.

I only had 3 drinks and britt made us leave cos someone played him and raetard's song (bon jovi) and he got all somber and vaginal over it. ugh. see why I call him butt rock? I didn't even get any daal.

tapeworm got super drunk and hes trying to stick peanuts in my ears. its chaos.

go fuck yourself

as promised; a post by britt

so I woke up this morning again it sucked as usual I started out my shitty day at 430 this morning. it was cold I hate the world I almost had to fire someone for the utter overwhelming waft of alcohol he was permeating and I get harrassed repeatedly by tapeworm about my dope use even tho I havent done dope since I was 23 years old so like 4 years. his girlfriend is making me dictate the stupid ass blog cos I hate computers and I hate the stupid computer that I have and for anyone who responds to me go ahead and call me at 1-800 kiss my ass. there. was that a good blog?

the best fart boy

I don't really know what its like to drive but I'm pretty sure its not something I need to try. I threw my sandwich at somebodys car on the freeway today. tapeworm got REEAAAALLY FUCKING PISSED about it. nobody died and he didn't get any tickets so I don't see what the fuss is over.

plus I found out I'm having a midterm exam on my birthday.

my mom wants me to go to some intervention thing for my uncle where the whole family gets together to tell him hes drunk. like he doesn't already know, huh? sounds like an ass load of fun but I'm not really in a position to point the finger.

butt rock britts coming over tomorrow and I'm gonna try to get him to make a guest post.

PO white trash

vajohnna keeps chicken bones in his dresser drawers. and hes got the bumpies. jacque came to his house with me one night and I passed out on the couch and she was about to go home but she wanted to borrow evil dead 2 so she popped her head in his room to ask if she could take it and caught him jerking off.

his first girlfriend was a lesbian named rhian. she wasn't a lesbian at first tho. he kinda got the stigma from that I think. and people calling him dirty john doesn't really help him out much with the ladies either.

he used to attempt to pick up chicks by bragging that he won the bonghit championships on a local public access show and his brother was a pro skater.

he keeps his dog on the roof. a few years ago he flipped out on mushrooms and ended up naked in an alley behind a bank and his mom had to pick him up from the hospital on her birthday.

I used to work with his brothers girlfriend who said he was in love with me and talked about me all the time. he brought me chocolates and started coming by while he knew tapeworm would be at work.

he said he was gonna show me how to play guitar but I think he was just drunk and trying to score. tapeworm was like "why you trying to hit on my bitch?" and he got super offended. he was supposed to drive us around on my 21st birthday and he bitched out. didn't even call.

john told me a long time ago guys don't call girls to hang out. for some reason I hadn't applied that to he and I until then.

dont steal mey whine.

tapwopoerm sotle my wine. I hav enothing. I turne do nmy phone today but britt comae ofver anad hes haingingin our my front door and yealing into the hallway a t 3:34am
becuase he si corpuante Ionly got a pepsli but there s 151 . you wil l nowt mak e amokcrey of me. I am carerie3 camnit.

I love pussy

I didn't watch sopranos for the first 3 years it was on cos I thought it was about singing. plus I'm biased against the entire state of new jersey and any other place that puts the word "new" in their name. I don't like knock offs.


when I was 5 me and my best friend jake used to fight about whether the BOY from the neverending story was a boy or a girl. everybody knows girls can't be warriors.
I think he just didn't want to admit he was getting a stiffy from looking at a dude.

Boutros Boutros Boutros-Ghali

I have to wear clothes now like 4 days a week. school is a fucking pit of time suckage where I have to read things that aren't on the internet and that sucks.

tapeworm and I were driving up the freeway entrance ramp thing and the dude in front of us just stopped right in the middle of the shit and we were like hmmm... and kept driving up to pass him and dude started waving his hands all frantically and I had my window down and he screamed into the car "you've got a headlight out!"
no shit. like I'm supposed to just abandon my car and go try to fix it at 10:30p??
fucking moron. he followed us for like 3 miles on the freeway trying to wave and damn near crashed his shit into the wall.

"I'm the one smoking marijuana, motherfucker"

my excedrin kinda smells like vinegar.

I totally made a white trash ass spectacle of myself at the fair. but I got some funnel cake, so yeah.

I turned the ringer on my phone off like 2 weeks ago and forgot about it. apparently that was enough time to make all 9000 people who left voicemails completely forget anything worthwhile they might have had to say when they called cos all I've heard since I turned it back on is "where the hell have you been?". I'm thinking maybe I should just turn the fucker back off.

hehehh..tapeworm and I were at thriftway and some kid kept putting shit in my cart and I was like, "hey yer carts over there, dude" and some behemoth on a fucking cell phone was glaring at us and I was like "is that your kid?" and she looked at me all cockeyed and said, "don't worry about it."

I was like, what? OH FUCK NO.. but I said, "I wouldn't have to worry about it if you were watching your kid instead of sitting your fat ass on the phone all fucking day."

I picked up a bunch of baked beans off the shelf and threw em in her cart and said "there. hows that?"

tapeworm was about to wet himself.

she grabbed her kid up by the arm and pushed her cart out of the aisle. beans and all.

we were fucking hysterical. those beans weren't even on sale.

why no one cares if my aunt is dead

for diana

my uncle is paraplegic and when my aunt became pregnant I thought it was some sort of miracle. no one told me for several years that she'd had an affair with the homeless junkie who crashed my uncles car into a bus just last week.

my aunt is bipolar and she goes off her meds all the time and really loses it. before she got pregnant, she was an alcoholic (as my uncle still is) and the pregnancy completely changed her life. she stopped drinking immediately and thats when her illness became prevalent and she was diagnosed and put on medication for bipolar disorder.

her mother, brother and grandmother are all bipolar as well, though my aunt is the only one obtaining treatment. her mother was not well and had major substance abuse issues throughout the majority of my aunts childhood. she was raised primarily by her brother who introduced her to pot at 8 years old. she dropped out of school just a few years later and proceeded to live up to the family legacy.

after the birth of her child, sobriety became increasingly difficult as my uncle continued to drink heavily. their daughter was born autistic but was not identified as such until nearly 3 years of age. up to that time, my aunt had been ridiculed for her parenting inability by much of my family because her toddler was unable to listen or speak to anyone like a normal child would.

she was of course upset by this and it caused problems between she and my uncle. both of them drinking again, and now fighting all the time. she went off the meds and built shrines all over the backyard to worship the moon or some shit.

she had to go to the hospital and stay for a couple of weeks and while she was in there she filed charges against several members of my family for sexual abuse of her daughter. she said her daughter told her about it. the charges were dropped when a social worker went to the school to interview the child and she, being autistic, couldn't even form words let alone sentences.

that incident has yet to be forgiven by most of my family. she and my uncle remained married though the relationship was severely strained. she went off her meds something like 3 times over the next year, each time becoming increasingly more violent toward him and police became involved on several occasions, including the last time anyone heard from her which was something around 4 months ago when she hit him in the head with a skateboard and pushed him out of his wheelchair in the backyard.

tapeworm and I speculate she never made it out of said backyard.

chicken titties

dont listen to anything tapeworm has to say. hes bleeding from his vagina right now and he doesn't think chickens can fly.
hes a nag and I will wear shoes when I feel like putting on shoes okay? fuck.

I kinda had a little tantrum earlier but then I took a nap and had this fucked up dream where I was still living at my parents house and I was definitely going to jail for stealing the neighbors tv and making out with a highschool kid I don't even like.

I feel so dirty.

my mammal sauce is the best mammal sauce

my uncle loaned his car to a homeless junkie who ended up crashing it into a bus. and now they live together.


I think my aunt is dead. no one has seen or heard from her in over 4 months and no one seems concerned with that but me.

taya and I went to a party at this dude eugenes house that we had art class with in highschool and eugene was like "taya, can I ask why you're not wearing any pants?" but she was wearing pants tho.

I was supposed to go to their house for new years eve and meet some guy called righteous john who was like his dad and his mom and sister who he said don't like white people but I got the flu and cancelled on him and he wont talk to me anymore cos he thinks I made that up to get out of it.

instead I laid around on my couch all sickly until some scumbag friend of my dads came over with his ratty ass throw away kids and the second I got up to use the bathroom they took over my couch and I came out all "what the fuck" when they didn't get up and they straight up ignored me, yo.
I had to sit on the fucking arm of my own goddamn couch with the flu and listen to his 8 year old daughter compulsively clear her throat for 6 hours.

ehmhrm. ahehm. erhrmh. hehrm. aherhm. hrehghermh. eherhm.

masturbate the alligator

I'm going to dinner with my grandpa tonight so we can talk about the exact same things we talked about over breakfast the last time I saw him. its like watching groundhog day cos we only ever meet up for food and we have the same conversation every single time and he gets super annoyed if I try to switch it up.

last month, I had pancakes and he totally threw me off my cue saying he had bought a $2000 camera he didn't know how to use. and I was like, "I could come by and try to help you figger it out," but he must've gotten irritated at himself for abandoning script and said, "I dont really care to learn."

theres no need for awkward pauses because we can always be amazed at his gas mileage, which happens to be his most fond topic of discussion.

and I really add to the conversation by making random surprised/impressed faces while he talks cos I have no idea what hes saying plus there was like 4 different flavors of syrup so I kinda was a little impressed.

my family is trying to force me into asking for help cos I will let my shit go to collections before I'll ever tell them I need money. that surprises a lot of people cos I'm usually rather outspoken. I guess they don't see the difference between blunt and rude.

tapeworm thinks I'm nuts cos I will jump out of moving vehicles to destroy men who can't park, but I'm kinda shy on the phone. everybody has their limits, y'know.

nothings hotter than...

poor tapeworm drove for 2 hours with me puking up garlic into a plastic bag. then the car started to overheat downtown and he had to turn the vents on high and let all the hot air in which brought on a whole new wave of regurgitation.

I get motion sickness a lot actually. tapeworm and I were going to the keg one time and as soon as he parked I opened the door and yakked all over the place then we got back in the car and went home.

and then theres times when I don't have a car to blame it on...
I had one drink at scotts house before me and like 7 other people hotboxed the bathroom and when I got back outside on the deck I felt extra fucked up and started to spin so I leaned over the railing and threw up everywhere and some dudes were fighting down there and weren't paying attention and one of them walked right under it. I was laughing and puking at the same time. thats not easy to do.

I ended up passing out on his bathroom floor and people were stepping over me to use the toilet.

mark it 8, dude

there are few things more irritating than when tapeworm looks over here all, "my god, how many windows do you have open?!"

6 tabs is not excessive, damnit. just turn around.


I'm kinda thinking we should break into the apartments next door to use their pool but tapeworm says thats probably not the best idea I've ever had. I don't really think we have another option tho.

he bite me in my vagina

bitch do I come down to cracky d's and slap the cheeseburger out your mouth?

tapeworm is still sleeping and I am ready to go to the damn fair already. I am a funnel cake fiend. I crave the hot greasy love batter and I will accept no substitutes!
my god..I can almost taste the heartattack..
I'm gonna flash some carnies and get some free shit (yes, I'm really that shallow). I'll be the only girl there who isn't pushing 350 lbs a stroller so I can't lose ;)

I opened a can of mandarin oranges today from 1988.
I only ate 3 of them before I decided they looked kind of funny. but they tasted alright. I still have about 15 cans of them and I'm not sure but I might just take the plunge.


its jennifer wk's birthday today.
she is currently the #2 most bangable blog babe on the whole web and you should go wish her a happy 25th cos she rocks.

skills: essing the dee

I'm not one to go offering advice, nor do I suggest you heed anything I may propose, but what I will say is STOP WHINING.
thats aimed at no one in particular BUT if it speaks to you, then listen.

yesterday I was at trader joes picking up some 3 buck chuck and my bra started itching me really bad so I tried to adjust it but ended up pinching my boob really hard and I almost cried.
but I got some blue jalepeño cornbread and a bottle of grey goose which I plan to make acquaintance with very shortly.

barker must've gotten some weed of his own cos he hasn't called in a bit. he and his wife bought a house with his husband-in-law like 2 years ago and he's all pissy cos we havent come over yet. I don't like his wife. the bitch is mean and she got even worse after she found out we call her jenbison and tell everyone bob fucks her brother. pfft. like its not obvious.
tapeworm tried to warn bob not to marry her cos shes super old and has bad credit. plus they'd never even lived together, but bob went and told her. haha..whoops. all the sudden she shows up to the house with beer trying to kiss ass. last time I saw her she was bitching about how much bob spent on her ring and how he'd stuck them in that house for the next 10 years.
see why you shouldn't rush into marriage? it sucks.

the fair started today but I think I'm gonna give them the weekend to get a feel for the fryers. I don't want any half ass funnel cake, y'know.

shits fucked

but my old comments are back! blogger is being funny and comments aren't working so I'm gonna go drink a lot and see if it fixes itself by the time I get back.

edit: shits not fucked anymore. vodka cures the internet :D

bush don't care about white folk either

I am now in posession of one suspended credit card. I blame bush. he doesn't care about my financial situation. hes given them permission to go up and shoot me.


casey got his car impounded cos he decided that cops had better things to do than pull people over.

yep, he really said that.

but what he forgot to tell his passengers is that he was driving on a suspended license. when they asked him to step out of the vehicle, his pipe fell out of his pant leg and bounced off his shoe. I know I sleep better at night knowing this genius is out "being all he can be".

damn! tapeworm ate all the tuna casserole.

I am friends with bea arthur now so I guess myspace is not completely without redeeming value. if you have myspace, you should add me cos my self esteem is entirely contingent upon the number of friends I have.
don't worry; I'll only deny you if you suck :p

I gotta go rest up, cos today I'm getting paid to do for an hour what the rest of you do all day long: sit at a desk and eat donuts! but I don't have to deal with any clients or colleagues! sweet, huh? and I'm getting $1/minute.

mackin with carrie

Mike Neil: Why hello
talk_to_carrie: hey
Mike Neil: So whos cooler then being cool?
talk_to_carrie: uh..me?
Mike Neil: yup
Mike Neil: you are really smart!
talk_to_carrie: I try
talk_to_carrie: so whered you find me?
Mike Neil: on a hotel room floor vomitting?
talk_to_carrie: I think you got the wrong ho
Mike Neil: ho?
Mike Neil: Thats a very bad way to see women
talk_to_carrie: so's on the floor vomitting...
Mike Neil: you should have your mouth washed out with soap
talk_to_carrie: uh, no thanks
Mike Neil: yeah, i'd pass on that too
talk_to_carrie: instinct
Mike Neil: you watching prison break tonight?
talk_to_carrie: I don't watch tv
talk_to_carrie: I havent watched in at least 6 months. I have no clue whats going on in the world
Mike Neil: I find TV helps shut out the voices in my head telling me to do evil things
Mike Neil: such as clean the restroom, do my laundry
talk_to_carrie: heh..yeah, the internet works in similar ways for me
Mike Neil: I know you haven't been watching tv, did you hear how Castro has declared war on Sweden?
talk_to_carrie: uh, whos castro?
talk_to_carrie: whats sweden?
Mike Neil: Dictator of Cuba
Mike Neil: Sweden = country that hides nazi gold
talk_to_carrie: I thought cuba was an actor
Mike Neil: nah Cuba is a country Bush would like to forget about
talk_to_carrie: hmmm...funny, cos I'd like to forget about bush
Mike Neil: yeah he is a big moron who was given the all day lunch pass to the playground of life
talk_to_carrie: yeah his father was better. slightly.
Mike Neil: yeah, I wonder if his father's father could actually talk without someone having written what he said before hand
talk_to_carrie: well, they are from the south.
Mike Neil: that figures
Mike Neil: so, what are your plans for tonight?
talk_to_carrie: hmmm....I think I might smoke a few bongloads, take a shower, eat some pasta maybe play some hulk and crash out when the urge strikes
talk_to_carrie: busy day, y'know
Mike Neil: yeah
Mike Neil: as much as you hate bush, you are following in his footsteps
talk_to_carrie: oh yeah?
talk_to_carrie: then I guess Im set
Mike Neil: using drugs, loafing around, not doing anything productive
talk_to_carrie: but I'll be president some day, so whats to bitch about?
Mike Neil: not really, women can't rise to presidency
talk_to_carrie: right, I should prolly be baking some pie right now
Mike Neil: its a proven fact, watch hillary become a victem of a shooter from the grass nole
Mike Neil: what kind of pie?
talk_to_carrie: pecan
talk_to_carrie: or blueberry
Mike Neil: why should you be making it?
Mike Neil: having a bake sale?
talk_to_carrie: its womanly, y'know
talk_to_carrie: nope, just eating it all like a housewife
talk_to_carrie: thats what we're good for
Mike Neil: well, the good question is what does your man want you to make?
talk_to_carrie: he doesnt care, so long as I'm on my knees
Mike Neil: ha
Mike Neil: this has all gotten too silly
talk_to_carrie: too silly?
talk_to_carrie: is there such a thing as too silly?
talk_to_carrie: I dont think we've gotten silly enough..
Mike Neil: yeah a grown man when wears clown shoes to bed, now thats silly
talk_to_carrie: haha I got this crazy email about some guy who fucks his sister.
talk_to_carrie: they think I'm upset about it
talk_to_carrie: can you believe that?
talk_to_carrie: why would I care if you wanna fuck your sister?
Mike Neil: I don't have a sister
talk_to_carrie: I mean, we can still be friends
talk_to_carrie: I dont have a sister either
Mike Neil: what the hell are you talking about
Mike Neil: ?
talk_to_carrie: an email. what are you talking about?
Mike Neil: So, you got some strange email?
talk_to_carrie: yeah.
talk_to_carrie: from a guy named who goes by pappy. weird, huh?
talk_to_carrie: oops
talk_to_carrie: you know what i meant, huh?
Mike Neil: you are one crazy mofo
talk_to_carrie: whoa...really?
talk_to_carrie: so whered you find me?
Mike Neil: blogexplosion
talk_to_carrie: aha..
talk_to_carrie: whats yer blog?
Mike Neil: http://ocdfinds.blogspot.com/
talk_to_carrie: oh okay, I've read your stuff before
talk_to_carrie: interesting notes
Mike Neil: thanks
talk_to_carrie: you go by an alias, huh?
talk_to_carrie: or did you just link me to someone elses blog?
Mike Neil: Alias, the tv show?
talk_to_carrie: uh, alias, your fake name
talk_to_carrie: remember, I don't do tv
Mike Neil: oh yeah
Mike Neil: Well its all fake on the internet
talk_to_carrie: uh...
Mike Neil: even the orgasms in porn
talk_to_carrie: wouldn't know about that
Mike Neil: I figured
talk_to_carrie: so whats yer real blog?
Mike Neil: http://thedebtdefier.blogspot.com/
talk_to_carrie: look, its not like I've got real important shit to do, but youre just wasting my time
Mike Neil: okay
Mike Neil: my real site is here: http://birdparty.blogspot.com/
talk_to_carrie: nice talking to ya mike
Mike Neil: mike?

contracting a tapeworm

if you don't count all the times we've broken up, today marks 5 years of tapeworm and me. the only motherfucker to hit it since its been legal. can you believe it? heh..neither can he :p

in honor of this occasion, a story: how carrie met tapeworm

I had just come out of lock up (for the last time ..so far!) and was attempting to live with my parents for the first time in 9 months.

I was 15 and had experienced things most adults can't even fathom. that alone was more than enough to alienate the majority of my peers, but add to that numerous chemical dependencies, dropping out of highschool, a shaved head (again, drugs), a police record.. I was one lonely little girl.

I wasn't quite finished being a fuck up, and I was out to celebrate my release. which meant I was on a mission to get as high as I could possibly get. I met a girl that day who was (just barely) still in highschool, who was too scared to do drugs but was incredibly enamored with me and my unconventional lifestyle. and she wanted to come along for the ride and meet my scumbag "friends", bringing a boy she was interested in (you may know him as butt rock britt) along with a friend of his to meet up in a park late one august evening.

as I stepped into the park carrying 2 freshly stolen boxes of wine, I quickly recognized the familiar glare of disapproval. the three of them kept their distance as my cohorts and I proceeded to expose them to our (un)usual activities. I can honestly not remember much of the remainder of the evening, but I do know I ended up walking 6 miles back to my parents home around 4am with several of those "friends" to crash out on my bedroom floor.

not quite the love story you were expecting, huh? yeah well...

things went on like this for some time. I continued to do stupid shit and look like a loser. my new acquaintences watched warily as I broke rules and exercised poor judgement. I tried to convince them to join me in my endeavors, but they consistently declined. I was honestly thrilled they still wanted to be in my company. my parents were so happy I had managed to make friends with homes of their own that they really didn't give me much trouble. things were going really well. though I still had a long way to go, spending time with tapeworm was slowly reminding me of what "normal" looked like.

by the time I was 17, I had severed all ties with street people. though not much of an improvement on my situation, I was dating a coke dealer named albert and, obviously, was still using drugs. this was around the height of my friendship with jacque and I was blowing off everyone who wasn't just as high as I was, partly cos I didn't want anyone to know how bad it was and partly because I didn't want anyone to try and stop me.

up until then I had still been spending every spare moment with my best friend in the whole world, mr. tickles tapeworm. but drugs won, and I treated him like shit. then one day I went crazy. just like that. a fairly uneventful afternoon, and I hadn't gotten high in a week. just sitting around the house and I began to hallucinate. I knew something wasn't right, but I didn't want to tell anyone about it. my boyfriend and his roommate stopped by after a big score to pick me up and bring me to their apartment, but I didn't want to go. said I'd take a bus up later (waaay out of character for me).

I eventually got it together enough to leave the house, and made my way to the apartment but when I got there I still felt weird and the houseful of tweakers didn't help things any. I didn't want to get high. for the first time I could remember. and that scared me, maybe even more than the fact that I was hearing things. I couldn't sleep and it had been 2 days and I was still crazy. I had to tell my mom I needed help and I knew she was gonna be mad to hear I was still involved with drugs. I walked to her office and sat down in the chair across from her desk and she knew something wasn't right. she told me one of my eyes was pinned and the other was fully dilated. I looked in the mirror, and she was right; I even looked crazy. she said she had suspected something was wrong because I left all my things at home. my keys, my id, my coat (it was late january). all the stuff I carried everywhere. and I hadn't even noticed.

though its impossible for me to describe in a way you could understand, I was terrified. mostly of myself. I couldn't step into my room without bursting into tears. I wore my parents clothes because I couldn't stand my own. animals ran from me! and nothing helped. I was 17 years old, and I was attached to my mom like a toddler. I saw doctors and specialists and a month later, I was still as crazy as I was the day it started. one doctor speculated that perhaps I was just experiencing anxiety due to the fact that I was approaching my 18th birthday; a year signifying "independence and self-sufficiency". maybe it did for him. I'd been both of those things for quite some time.

I can't tell you when it finally stopped; it was very gradual. things would be okay for a few days and then I would feel overwhelmed again and afraid for seemingly no reason. but those days became fewer and farther between and slowly I began calling people again. I hadn't talked to any of my friends since the day I left the apartment to find my mom. at least a month had passed. expecting to be met with interest and even sympathy, I was surprised to find that not only did they seem not to care at all, they didn't even want to acknowledge it had happened. finally it became clear to me how fucked up I really was that I had mistaken these people for friends. I didn't even like them. I had thrown away the only real friends I had in an attempt to ditch accountability.

I still hadn't called tapeworm. in over 2 years I hadn't gone a day without seeing him and I hadn't so much as called him in months. he had no idea anything was even wrong. and now, I was a completely different person. the phone rang everyday and seeing his name on the caller id was enough to send me into a panic. I was hiding from him. I had no idea how to tell him the girl he knew with no fear whatsoever had become afraid of her own shadow. everyone I knew had rejected me at my first refusal of narcotics. I had no expectation that he should be any different. only this time it was gonna hurt.

I had said hello before I even weighed the consequences. it was just time to get it over with. I had no words to recount the past couple of months. I felt like a blind man trying to describe color. through all my awkwardness I finally arrived without much of a point and he was still there. still listening. and still wanted to see me. I really wasn't prepared for that and strange as it sounds, I wasn't really sure I wanted to go through with it. but monday night I came over to watch wrestling with him and britt. and britt was anything but supportive. he called me weak, he said I'd come around to getting high again. he sparked up a bowl and I left the room, reminding myself why I should have never come. and tapeworm followed me. at the time I was more than prepared for people like britt, and assured tapeworm there was no reason for him to follow my lead. but he refused to leave and said if I wasn't gonna get high anymore, he wasn't either.

of course this is all too good to last. within a few months, my fear of getting high had nearly worn away completely. I was becoming more comfortable again, and jacque called. tapeworm came with me to her house and when she went to pass me her pipe, I declined, and she flipped out. she said I thought I was better than her. she called me a pussy. as stupid as I knew it was I gave in. I got high and found out it wasn't going to be the end of the world like I had made it into. I convinced myself that I had been scared for no reason and my fear of getting high, completely irrational. I just wanted to feel normal again. to not have to be weird and affected by things other people couldn't understand. but I didn't feel normal. I just worried that I was "asking for it". how long would it be before I was seeing things again? would it be worse the next time? could I end up like that forever? what if I was losing it and couldn't even tell?

luckily I never had to answer any of those questions. jacque got evicted and moved in with her boyfriend, who had no idea about her problem. we had to sneak around over there and I wasn't down with getting caught by him, so I just stopped answering her calls.

things quickly returned to the "norm" I had come to accept. it wasn't my old life, but it was comfortable and I was starting to feel happy again for the first time in too long. and that was all that really mattered anymore. I spent 6 months focused on myself. I started running, got a new job and finished highschool. just one year later than the rest of my graduating class.

I was selling pastries one day exactly 2 months before my 18th birthday, when it dawned on me that tickles tapeworm is the only person I've ever known who never judged me. ever. even when I was a complete piece of shit. I have never been able to say or do anything to make him change his mind about me. and he never throws any of it back in my face just because he's upset. lots of people spend their whole lives looking for someone like that and never find it. I couldn't wait until my shift was over so I could tell him how much I loved him. and thats exactly what I did. 5 years ago today.

emcee reverend doctor black jesus

my sink has been gurgling lately. I don't even want to think about what that could mean. I just hope it doesn't involve having the maintenance guy up here. he creeps me out. last time I had to have him up here my bathroom fan was off balance and he came by unannouced and knocked as he was opening the door and I had no clothes on. all I could do was scream and I haven't really wanted to call for maintenance ever since. besides, I'd have to *gasp* clean my apartment. hehehh. I could prolly get evicted for the condition of this place. I'm sure it must be a fire hazard at the least.

this dude I call dirty john/vajohnna had a party at his place and the cops showed up cos everyone was out on the lawn and being loud and shit cos his house is so ganked. but I was 16 and the only one under 21, so I ran into the bathroom to hide and luckily they didn't go looking. it seemed like they stayed for half an hour and I could hear them out there talking about the man show. and I was like, "what the..?? dude, I'm not that fucked up". but I guess they were cool. they carded everyone else in the house and told john that if the fire department ever showed up he'd be in deep shit.

jacque and I cleaned his house once for a pack of cigarettes. well, jacque cleaned it anyway. but I still got smokes, so whatever.
he lived with a bunch of scumbag dudes who never slept and some girl who worked at the texaco used to let them steal shit. one of them said that when he's coming down, he clips his toe nails and smokes them, cos he thinks thats where it all ends up.
and they had a "broom" made out of a poolstick and a carpet square.
...or maybe that was a mop.

you just need a good punch in the cunt

I've done pretty much nothing but shop for 2 days :|
I hate shopping, but I LOVE getting new shit! gotta take the good with the bad, y'know. and walmart was bad.
I saw my first (and last) walmart yesterday.. WHAT A PIT!!
they have fucking everything in there. its like a really ghetto fred meyer. I always thought I wanted to go there for some reason and now I know I was wrong. dead wrong.
but it was cheap, just like me.

speaking of cheap, I had a bottle of wine for breakfast. if you can even call it wine. it was bordering on malt liquor in my opinion. on the upside, that just meant I could drink faster :p

of course now that local gas prices have reached upward of $3/gallon, the car just mysteriously started working again. which totally fucking rocks cos I am done trying to take the bus to buy a bag. its inconvenient and difficult to be discreet on the ride home. plus I can go to jamba again! ..but after paying for the smoothies we'll probably have to push the damn car home.

but lucky me, ben & jerry's is within walking distance, and I've still got a half an hour before they close so I have to stop typing right now. bye.

no, I didn't delete your comments

check out tapeworms blog for the full story.

"ya hungry, girl?"

it is not cute to post entire flickr accounts of your double chin. seriously. but I wouldn't expect you to know that.
after all, I'd be surprised if you could see anything around that thing growing off your face (god, I hope it's malignant).
at first I was puzzled as to how a water buffalo like yourself got such an ego, but then I noticed that you surround yourself with nothing but dateless middle aged horse-faced bitches and you were the only one who'd managed to trick a man into marrying you.
I realize you don't have any children of your own to abuse and thats probably why you try to throw your (immense) weight around in any way you can with perfect strangers.

a suggestion if I might:
next time you're having a bad day, try running stairs instead of your mouth.

fuck you oprah ;)

"I take a bath in math" -xor444

I think tapeworms on the rag. hes been pretty crabby today but I chased him around the grocery store with the cart and ran over his heels a few times. that seemed to help :)
I smell like a goddamn hippie. I hugged the worm and now he stinks too. hehehh. I have these pants that keep riding up my butt and I was at best buy looking at some movies and nobody else was in that aisle so I just dug it out real quick-like and then I heard a bunch of giggling and I was like, "uh, whoops" and tried to act like I didn't give a shit but I felt pretty dumb, yo.

my little cousin grew boobs this summer and was flaunting them all over disneyland. she wasn't responding to subtlety so my mom said she told her she looked like a ho and bought her a tshirt to "cover up". haha..my mom is the coolest.

it is 6:30p and I've not gotten high all day long. I'm kinda proud of myself and I am not going to let the fact that I only woke up an hour and a half ago thwart this feeling of accomplishment.
in fact, I'm about to roll myself a celebratory spliff and smoke it all the way to the maha for some bogey and daal.
life is sweet, folks.

eat shit...and LIVE!

my keyboard has been queering offff and my ffffffffff button is sticking. ffffffffffffffffuck.
my mom got back from disneyland today and she brought me a shot glass and a magnet, so naturally I'm making good use :)

I know you're never gonna believe this, but I was rude to someone recently. and though it burns my eyes to even type such a thing..
I'M SORRY; I made a boo boo.
I talk faster than I think most of the time and I'm sure you can all attest to that :p for some reason I am always the last one to realize that I'm overreacting and its usually after I've done something waaaay out of line. it proves to be humbling at times.
still working on modesty, but its really not something I'm familiar with.

I keep thinking I hear someone trying to unlock my door. I've been super paranoid lately and I'd like to say its cos of all the insanely potent herb I came into, but I'd be bluffing; august ain't over yet and I'm sure it'll be october before things really pick up again. anyway, the truth is rents due in a week and I have no idea how its getting paid. I'm fucking up and I think my conscience is trying to scare me into action. hehehh...we'll see who wins.

I've basically been a big wad of suckage all weekend. well, weekend is kind of a relative term cos I don't work, so I just designate whatever part of the week that felt like a "weekend" to be the weekend. and this week that was yesterday and the two days before it. more than ever I feel like I am probably the only one reading this and thats good because I have a few things I think I should hear.
I read some crap once that said "you may have a fresh start any moment you choose" and I used it like a crutch to justify every bad decision I knew I was about to make. I may be the coolest person I know, but in actuality thats not saying much. I bet even nerdy people get big headed sometimes.

"that fuckin indian better win"

if I ever learn how to drive I'm gonna go to jamba juice and then maybe vegas. but thats a big IF.
driving is scary like sharing needles and screwing strangers without condoms. I'm not really sure it should be done.
danielle puts out a pretty good cock blog and if you chew on boots cos yer hungry that doesn't make it food.

matt said hes not gonna pit fight anymore but thats a bunch of crap; he'll be back.

you don't just quit pit fighting on a whim damnit.
its a cultural phenomenon.

in case you didn't know, myspace is the gay and I am the most unpopular piece of shit on there. I have like 5 friends and one of thems a goddamn band and another ones my boyfriend. raggedy ass 16 year olds send me friend requests and I deny them cos I'm trying to act all elitist, but in reality I'm just LAME.
ahahahahahah...fuck.
theres a cornucopia of words to describe the male genitalia and at the moment, I'm rather smitten with ndongo.
sounds kinda african, huh? well, it should.

britts dads a real ninja. his mom said "hes one of the twelve".
I think she meant men she had slept with that weekend, but he's pretty sure she was talking about ninjas.

ugh.. how many beers am I gonna need before my friends start to seem cool?

I am so retarded

for caramel cashew brazil nut ice cream with roasted almonds and a hazelnut fudge swirl!

damn right...mute your shit and then get ready to squeal....WAVY GRAVY is back!

if you managed to stay awake through 100 things carrie, you might remember #37.

apparently 17,363 other people felt the same way I did!
they're only selling it in scoop shops and its sposta be a limited time thing which sucks, but after 3 years with out my gravy I'm thrilled that I can even go pick up a cone at all!

origins of a whore

for danielle


before we were together, tapeworm took me and helen to a party for some dude he worked with and jacque found out about it and called tapeworm to ask why she hadn't been invited and he said, "cos I didn't want you to act like a slut and embarrass me."
(cos thats what helen was there for!)

when jacque was 12, her mom cut her a line and told her to do it. or they'd never be close. her stepdad was a former alcoholic/child molester, all crazy into the 12 step thing and they hid everything from him but I'm sure he had to know something was going on when no one ever slept and her mom blew glass 16 hours a day. jacque thought he was watching her through a hole in her bedroom wall. he had been convicted of sexual abuse of his daughter; the same girl jacque and her oldest brother were sleeping with. I met jacque in 1997, I was 15 and soon after that I was going to her house after school to buy dope from her mom. just like the rest of her friends.

she had to be the center of everyones attention and seldom was. the year we met we both unknowingly liked the same boy, derek. he rode her bus and one day he told her he was into me and she flipped out and tried to hit me over it. she said she knew it wasn't my fault, but she was still mad.

when jacque had a bad day at school, her mom cut her a line and told her she was too sensitive. jacque said she vaguely remembered her mom molesting her as a young girl. her 8 year old brother came to stay 2 weekends a month and she wondered if her mom was molesting him now, too.

jacque said she was afraid to quit, cos she knew that meant she wouldn't have a mom anymore. I tried to tell her that she didn't have one as it was.

anemone

did you know I was retarded? I just found out today.

smoking weed sucks because I think I might have just lost something and spent ..awhile.. running around the apartment looking for it and realized I wasn't finding it cos I didn't remember what it was anymore. I just know I really needed it.


A dog does not wednesday in honey
And leaks grass like intolerance parcels
Smelly triscuit of love batter smile
Trickling bunion I disappoint
What with wrinkled paperclip abandon take
To break fountainous cannon sunlight glaze
Thunderous beer fork you excellent wolfs penis
And not for taco validation
We flicker complacent circles to the top
Partly single dollar noodle zone
Whirring manatee colloquial bucket fritter
Waste cinnamon if you remember ohio

-inspired by robert frost


oh shit...I think it was food.

just say no ho

jacque used to tell everyone she was in love with me. but she always settled for my boyfriends. even though we were together a lot, she didn't really know me at all but we had drugs in common so it worked out most of the time.

she left me with a notebook once and it was full of the kinds of secrets I would have never written anywhere.

I saw myself through her eyes. and it was very distorted. she said she didn't know if she wanted to be me or be with me.

later she said she hadn't meant to show it to me.
I lied and said I hadn't read it, but she knew.

she told me she was sleeping with her 14 year old step sister. and so was her brother.

she went on to say she let a coke dealer and his cousin tag team her, for half a gram. and they told her she was the fattest girl they'd ever banged. before they were finished.

she started losing lots of weight and she hadn't been eating anything but popsicles for weeks.
she told me she knew I would never judge her and I wondered what had given her that impression.

I rule you

dude, I love when I sneeze and drool all over myself at the same time. thats so hot.
my mom is going to disneyland without me. and shes taking 2 of my cousins. in fact, she's driving all the way to seattle today to catch her plane and she's not even gonna stop by. how fucked up is that? I think she hates me.
we bagged the river today cos its all overcast and shitty out. plus I didn't really get out of bed until 3.

I put too many onions in the guacamole and I'm flipping out cos I can't find the picture of john denver that vajohnna drew for me at beths. its like the best piece of art I own. or it was. shit.
but I have a new favorite artist. go check out her dog cartoons, they ROCK!

in other news, tickles tapeworm is eating pretzels. big ones.

just another gay ass post

it is not a good idea to have fritos for breakfast. in fact, it might not ever be a good idea to have fritos. they looked pretty good on the shelf though. I have to do 5000 loads of laundry today cos I never wash any clothes until I completely run out of things to wear. so now I have like 3 socks a bra and some yoga pants with a big hole in the crotch. I think I might just take a nap, and panic tomorrow when I'm supposed to go to the river and I'm all naked. thats more my style.

"drunk by noon, but that's okay; I'll be president someday"

I am officially white trash. on our way to butt rock britt's shithole and saw a recliner just chillin out in the alley and I have no chairs in my apartment, so we turned around and carried that bitch home. hehe..yeah, I'm that ghetto.

britt's been calling every 20 minutes since 8a cos he bought a computer for $80 that can't handle running antivirus and firewall software at the same time. he thinks tapeworm's gonna pull a miracle out of his ass or something. we were there for 5 hours last night and his house smells like old sandwiches. whoever he bought that shit from must've clicked every fucking driveby download that ever popped up through IE. spysweeper found 130 programs and spyware cookies and over 400 traces in less than 3 minutes. hes freaking out cos he wants to play online poker tournaments and he's too butt rock to use the internet.

I'm going swimming tuesday!! in a river!
hehehh...I'm gonna pee in it.

horses and cows and chickens, oh my!

ooh, I think I'm gonna make some banana bread today. I only sleep like every other day now. you might wonder how I am able to nonstop rock like this sans crazy drugs, but the truth is I have no clue; I'm just fucking gifted.

didn't get that bag until too late the other night so we made the trip to the mountains yesterday instead. I fuckin hit the pipe right in front of highway patrol just before newhalem. I had to pull some jedi mind tricks, but he eventually realized he had better things to do than pull us over.

I saw lots of farm animals yesterday. sweet little cows and horses. and all I can think about is enumclaw. and I look into their vacant bovine eyes and think, "are you being touched in bad places?" seriously, we passed a horse trailer on the highway and one of them kept sticking his head through the little window as if to say, "help me!" I think I might have ptsd. I wonder if I can sue that farm or maybe that guy's family. its been weeks, and I'm still super fucked up over the whole thing.

dying to know what I think of you?

hehehh..didn't think so.
but this is your big chance to find out anyhow.
zube girl posted this and I commented, so here I am keeping up my end of the deal, cos I'm such a fuckin rockstar.
all you have to do is:

comment on this post, and....

1. I'll respond with a random thought I have about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me (or so we think).
5. I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal intoxicant you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal.**


**okay, okay... if you comment, and don't post this on your blog, I won't be mad. at all. really. cunt.

a preemptive thanks to all who participate!

"I'm right here you little bitches"

tapeworm went totally apeshit on some highschool kids today. it was fucking hilarious, he was running down the street chasing after cars. I was definitely impressed.

we had a barbecue on my balcony at like 1am and some woman who lives across the street came outside glaring at us with her hands on her hips so we took some pictures of her but they didn't come out that great.


we finally got tired of taking the bus everywhere and rented another car. we're gonna drive into the north cascades tomorrow if we can find some goddamn pot before then.
I'm out, can you believe it? neither could I, but it's true.
fuckin august.

I didn't break up with tickles today. but I did yesterday. and the day before. he wanted me to make sure I told you that.

what? ...jealous?

my grandpa repeats everything he says 4 times. when he comes over he says "hello hello hello hello." even if I'm the only one here. he was with my grandma for like 40 years before she died and I just found out he's been married 4 times before her.
what a ho!

my grandparents like me better than the rest of my cousins cos I go to school and I don't have any babies. plus I'm a lot cuter than them cos I'm adopted. that means I get good christmas presents.

butt rock britt is buying a computer today. I'm a little nervous cos hes finally gonna read all the bullshit I write about him...this should be funny.

we ran out of fluff so I made a toasted chocolate sammich. with peanut butter. I thought it was a genius invention but tapeworm assures me it is mediocre at best, just like the weed everyones been trying to push around here lately.

metal & gas; not exactly precious commodities

I'm worried tix might try to kill himself...kerrazy torrents have officially closed up shop. he hasn't swapped metal with anyone in well over 48 hours. his life has lost all purpose. he's slumped in front of his monitor, defeated; a mere shell of his former self.
I, however, am reaping the benefits of the regained bandwidth he has been pigging to himself all this time. fucking sweeeeeeet.

ugh. he just kissed me and farted at the same time.

photo roulette